The Day People Voted for Gay Marriage

I've written here and there about gay marriage cases in the news over the past few years, with the most impactful being first the ability for us to marry in June of 2008 and, subsequently, the amendment to the state constitution that banned same-sex marriage.  Obviously this is a deeply personal issue for us and I am hopeful that the Defense of Marriage Act will be repealed in Obama's (recently granted) second term.  The process of following all the various court cases and ballot initiatives often feels like an emotional roller coaster.

So I'm quite happy that, after a string of THIRTY-TWO straight losses at the ballot box, voters have finally ruled in favor of gay marriage.  Not in one state, but in three and a half (the Minnesota initiative was a gay marriage ban that voters rejected, so it wasn't quite the same as approving gay marriage).

This story has been somewhat lost in the discussion of the presidential election, which is certainly important and, I hope, will also play a role in progress on this issue (side-note: Tuesday was also the first time we elected a president who supported same-sex marriage!).

It's hard to say for sure whether this will be the tipping point -- of course opponents of same-sex marriage say it only passed in very "blue" states -- but I don't think you can overstate the significance of losing 32 times and then finally winning.  And although I think the very idea of asking people to submit their vote on whether a person can marry the person he or she loves is totally ludicrous, I think the movement needs the popular vote (not just the court cases) to be successful in the long-term.  I hope there is a definitive ruling from the Supreme Court that affirms the right to marry as a basic civil right, but I'm worried that if it happens too soon -- before the mainstream vote is behind it -- it could become like the abortion issue and continue to be extremely contentious.

These results make me feel very hopeful about the future.  So much has changed in such a short period of time.

Watch Out: Here Comes Politics & Current Events

When I started this blog after Zadie was born (or, more specifically, when my sister started this blog for me), I really only wanted it to be an electronic baby book that documented Zadie's early years.  Because of the ongoing culture wars in this country, I was worried about sharing too much about my personal life or my politics -- I didn't want to draw attacks from people critical of gay families.  I'm mostly talking about attacks in the form of mean-spirited comments or other online criticism, but it's also true that I've been very careful about what I disclose on the blog with regards to our physical location and identities.  I know it's a very remote possibility, and I'm happy to say that I feel it's more and more remote, but I felt so much hatred towards gay families in 2008 that I did worry a bit about some crazy person harming us.  It felt like the best way to deal with all the negativity was to just share the photos and stories of our life as new parents (which weren't all that different from any other new parents).

Having said all this, I tend to post entries with an eye for what my kids might be interested in reading many years down the road.  I would love to read what my parents were thinking about during some of the big events from my childhood, whether that was Jimmy Carter losing his re-election bid or even some pop culture event that I know nothing about.  I can talk to them about these events now, but it's different to read a journal of what someone was thinking at the time.

So, with that in mind, I'm going to occasionally post stories about my thoughts on the news of the day.  I think the only time I've done this in the past was my "Bittersweet" post when Obama won and Prop 8 passed.  And maybe our legal wedding day here and here.  Hopefully my few readers won't mind an occasional posting that doesn't involved photos of the kids!

Bittersweet

Dear Zadie,

Yesterday was a very momentous day in history and I want you to be able to read about this night in your early life when you get older. Barack Obama became the very first African-American to be elected president. Your two moms voted for Barack and cried tears of joy during his acceptance speech. You, on the other hand, slept your way through his speech. We don't have a television, so we went over to your Great-Aunt Susie's house to watch the speech and we're really glad we got to witness such a special occasion.

But the other side of this story is that Prop 8 passed, which means that California has amended the state constitution to define marriage as only between a man and a woman. Your two moms worked very hard (though certainly not hard enough!) to help defeat this proposition. The process of working on this campaign was very difficult and the aftermath is even harder. I'm just going to copy and paste an email that I sent out to our family (who were very loving and supportive!) so that you can now a little bit about what was going in your parents' lives during this time.

well, today is a very bittersweet day for us. we are discouraged and demoralized about the passage of prop 8. i knew it was going to be close and i was less optimistic than many of our friends who live in gay bubbles (el segundo kept any optimism in check!), but i'm shocked that 52% of california, the most progressive state in the nation, voted to amend the constitution in this way. the worst part is that the polling about six weeks ago had our side about 17 points ahead, which slipped to 4 points a week before the election. there's no doubt about the fact that television ads telling voters that their children will be taught about gay marriage in school were a deciding factor. i most definitely respect people's opinion that marriage should be between a man and a woman, but i wish they could understand the distinction between a religious marriage sanctioned by a church and a civil marriage approved by the state. i would have loved to have had the opportunity to show concerned voters that my marriage does not threaten anyone else's marriage. and, of course, i wish that all the kids who are raised by gay parents could grow up without feeling that their parents are less than equal under the law.

but today is bittersweet because if anybody can make you feel hopeful about how america can change, and how things that seemed impossible suddenly become possible, obama is certainly the man. we watched his acceptance speech last night and loved seeing the huge throngs of people who were celebrating such an historic occasion. dana, i'm sure it was amazing to be in times square. we probably should have gone somewhere where they were celebrating because we could have used the energy boost.

so, although we're very disappointed, we're trying to look on the positive side and hope that better things are in store for our future. also, we both know from experience living overseas that we are lucky to live in a country where we actually have the freedom to live openly as a couple and raise our daughter. so that's certainly no small consolation.