What the Defense of Marriage Act Means to Me

I could go on and on about what the Supreme Court's decision to strike down the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) means to me and my family. I think the best way to explain its impact is to reflect back on 1996, when it was passed by Congress and signed by President Clinton.

I was in college and I was extremely stressed and worried about being gay. I had nightmares. I swore that I wouldn't "let" myself be gay, but I kept finding myself in situations that were, well, extremely gay. In the midst of all of this, the Defense of Marriage Act passed and my big take-home message from that was that being gay meant not being normal. It meant not getting married and not having a family. It made me even more determined to do whatever it took to not be gay.

Obviously I failed at not being gay. Now it's less than 20 years later and I'm happily (and legally!) married to a woman and we have three kids together. My family is loving and accepting.

People talk about what a tremendous turnaround there has been in public opinion towards same-sex marriage in the last several years and I can certainly attest to that on a very personal level. There have been many ups and downs in the fight for marriage equality just since 2008 alone, but the Defense of Marriage Act was always the biggie -- this is the most important milestone yet on both a practical (hooray, we get to file taxes together and Tori can go on my health insurance!) and a symbolic level.

We were interviewed on local television this week and my dad sent out the following message to 500 employees at his company. I am very lucky to have this man as my father.

Subject Line: Yesterday was a great day for my family

My daughter Kate "married" her partner Tori in October, 2005. Since marriage wasn't legal for same sex couples in California at the time, 200 family members and friends gathered in our backyard to celebrate the life commitment these beautiful women made to each other that day. It was a great celebration but something was missing - a marriage license. In 2008 they were legally married on the first day same sex marriage was legal in California. We were extremely happy that their marriage was now legally recognized. Next came two disappointments. First, even though they were legally married, Kate's employer, the federal government, couldn't provide spousal benefits to Tori because of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). When DOMA passed in 1996 I was an old fashioned guy who thought it was okay because same sex couples could get the same benefits as married couples through civil unions. Like many, my views have evolved. The second disappointment was when Prop 8 passed in California, making same sex marriage illegal in California. Yesterday both of those disappointments went away.   

Kate and Tori live in Agoura Hills, CA with their three children. A Los Angeles ABC news reporter interviewed Kate and Tori in their home yesterday. Since I'm a proud father, father-in-law, and grandfather, I decided to share the news clip with you. If you watch the video you will see my two grandsons, Skip and Charlie. Their 5 year old sister Zadie isn't in the video because she's spending the week at our house. You'll also see a picture of Kate and Tori's wedding in our backyard and of them when they were legally married in 2008. This link was very slow to open on my work computer but opened much quicker on my ipad.

I've never shared a personal story and video with a large group at work before but 1) it's historic and 2) I wanted to "show off" Kate, Tori, Skip, and Charlie and let you know I'm proud of them.

Hal

Here is the news story: http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=news/local/los_angeles&id=9153711

Joining the Tribe

Love this photo of the three girls with the race cars on her head!

A few months ago Zadie was the lucky recipient of an invitation to go camping with her two cousins and her Auntie Kim and Uncle Eric. I think there was about 100 kids and they're all part of this Y-Indian Princesses organization, so Zadie was the only oddball not in the group. From my sister's report, however, this didn't concern her one bit. She dove in 100% to all the group activities and was her normal obsessive, competitive self about bead collecting, bead trading, getting candy from the pinata, and racing the little cars pictured above. Kim could do a better job writing about all her little eccentricities, but I'm proud that Zadie fit right in to the Kiowa "tribe" and that she got to have such an amazing time with her family. She's much better than I was about getting along with her peers and adjusting to new environments!

Scavenging with Grandma Linda

She spent a whole month here and this is the best photo we have! Hanging out at Grandma Linda's favorite spot...

Linda came to visit for a whole month recently, thanks to the birth of my new nephew (welcome to the world, Wyatt!). We didn't get to see her much during the week since we live way out in the suburbs, but on the weekends we got to soak up our Grandma Linda time.

Zadie has a special relationship with both of her grandmas. She talks about why she loves both of them and her reasons are very different. When it comes to Grandma Linda, she loves bike rides, beach adventures, international travel, going to garage sales, and scavenging through people's trash together. Zadie and Linda both love the thrill of the hunt, and there are some good finds in well-to-do beach communities. They found some great beach chairs (with the tags on!), two nice kid bikes, balloons, fishing line, and so much more!

Zadie and Linda also share an interest in the divine. Once when they returned from a bike ride, Linda told me that Zadie had asked her all kinds of interesting questions about Jesus and what forgiveness means. We called Linda just now to find out what the specific questions were, but none of us can remember -- take our word for it that they were very interesting!

Linda is always saying how Zadie is so fun to talk with and to share adventures with and what a great travel partner she would make. Like I mentioned in my last post, it's always nice when people have wonderful things to say about your children because it makes you appreciate them so much more!

Friends Without Kids

Like a good park ranger, I dragged my friends out to our visitor center before they headed back to the city!

We had an overnight visit this past weekend from a bunch of grad school friends, none of whom have children (though one is due in less than a month!). In addition to the fact that these are good, quality people who I enjoy being with, I always notice how much I enjoy being around friends who don't have kids.

Friends without kids are typically much more interested and amused by your children than friends who have kids and are either too busy dealing with their own kids or are just so thrilled to have a break from dealing with little people that they can barely give your kids the time of day. I'm not judging because I do the same thing. But to friends without kids, our kids are so funny and interesting -- probably because they don't spend all day long with kids!!

Anyway, it's refreshing to be around people who find my children fun to be with. It's like seeing your kids through rose-colored glasses. It makes me enjoy them more and feel like they have unique, creative, and sweet little personalities.

Just look at this photo. See those three little goofballs and their funny personalities? I saw them more clearly this weekend because of the dear adults in this photo. A good visit that was good for my soul!

Skip Thinks He's Getting a Horse for His Birthday

Skip's first time on a horse. This was Sleepy.

Zadie with my dad's cousin Mark, who owns a working ranch and is a roper with excellent roping horses (that hopefully my kids' didn't screw up!)

I think I've mentioned before that Skip really think he's a cowboy. My dad outfits him with Wranglers, boots, and cowboy shirts and I have to admit he pulls it off pretty well. He's got the swagger and everything. Sadly for him, he lives in L.A. with parents who have zero equestrian ties and so he's about as far off from being a cowboy as he can get. I feel kind of worried about when that reality sets in.

He actually had his first experience "riding" a horse when my parents took the kids to the ranch recently (I think Zadie sat on a horse when she was younger for a bit). My dad's cousin Mark and his wife were kind enough to go through a great deal of hassle and hauled horses down from their ranch to meet up with Skip and Zadie and their cousins. And then they let all the kids take turns riding the horses in the corral.

Both Skip and Zadie absolutely loved this experience and it was the highlight of their whole trip. They came home talking about good ol' Walter and Sleepy, their two favorite horses.

Now Skip thinks he's getting a horse for his birthday. My dad thinks it's karma since I badgered my parents so much about buying me a horse. I was very persistent and truly couldn't understand how they could stand in the way of my life's calling. Not to mention my older brother had a horse named Lightning when I was very little (maybe someday I'll devote a blog post to all the really cool experiences my older brother got to have that I'm still very jealous of!). Anyway, I've been trying to explain to Skip that there's no way in the world that he's getting a horse for his birthday, so hopefully he won't be disappointed.

If so, I blame my father.

Skip and Zadie in South Texas

The kids love cruising around in my parents' electric golf cart. He even lets them drive!

Skip loves his Granddaddy Hal. This is the two of them at Max's Cafe in Tilden, Texas.

Wow, it's been a very long time since I've posted. I wanted to post some nice photos from Skip and Zadie's trip to the ranch with my parents, but getting those photos off my mom's camera (which is in San Diego) proved to be quite the challenge. So then I just got in a rut and stopped posting. But I'm just going to post some cell phone photos and hope this conveys some of the trip.

What a special experience for Skip and Zadie to be taken to the ranch with their grandparents. And with their cousins Sophie and Izzy, too!

My parents spent four days with them in Texas (and a few more before that in San Diego) and the kids had  a great time going on rides, playing with other family members, having water gun fights, and riding horses (more on that soon).

It makes me very happy that my kids get these very special opportunities to be with their grandparents and to be connected to this piece of land that's been in the family for so long.