What the Defense of Marriage Act Means to Me

I could go on and on about what the Supreme Court's decision to strike down the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) means to me and my family. I think the best way to explain its impact is to reflect back on 1996, when it was passed by Congress and signed by President Clinton.

I was in college and I was extremely stressed and worried about being gay. I had nightmares. I swore that I wouldn't "let" myself be gay, but I kept finding myself in situations that were, well, extremely gay. In the midst of all of this, the Defense of Marriage Act passed and my big take-home message from that was that being gay meant not being normal. It meant not getting married and not having a family. It made me even more determined to do whatever it took to not be gay.

Obviously I failed at not being gay. Now it's less than 20 years later and I'm happily (and legally!) married to a woman and we have three kids together. My family is loving and accepting.

People talk about what a tremendous turnaround there has been in public opinion towards same-sex marriage in the last several years and I can certainly attest to that on a very personal level. There have been many ups and downs in the fight for marriage equality just since 2008 alone, but the Defense of Marriage Act was always the biggie -- this is the most important milestone yet on both a practical (hooray, we get to file taxes together and Tori can go on my health insurance!) and a symbolic level.

We were interviewed on local television this week and my dad sent out the following message to 500 employees at his company. I am very lucky to have this man as my father.

Subject Line: Yesterday was a great day for my family

My daughter Kate "married" her partner Tori in October, 2005. Since marriage wasn't legal for same sex couples in California at the time, 200 family members and friends gathered in our backyard to celebrate the life commitment these beautiful women made to each other that day. It was a great celebration but something was missing - a marriage license. In 2008 they were legally married on the first day same sex marriage was legal in California. We were extremely happy that their marriage was now legally recognized. Next came two disappointments. First, even though they were legally married, Kate's employer, the federal government, couldn't provide spousal benefits to Tori because of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). When DOMA passed in 1996 I was an old fashioned guy who thought it was okay because same sex couples could get the same benefits as married couples through civil unions. Like many, my views have evolved. The second disappointment was when Prop 8 passed in California, making same sex marriage illegal in California. Yesterday both of those disappointments went away.   

Kate and Tori live in Agoura Hills, CA with their three children. A Los Angeles ABC news reporter interviewed Kate and Tori in their home yesterday. Since I'm a proud father, father-in-law, and grandfather, I decided to share the news clip with you. If you watch the video you will see my two grandsons, Skip and Charlie. Their 5 year old sister Zadie isn't in the video because she's spending the week at our house. You'll also see a picture of Kate and Tori's wedding in our backyard and of them when they were legally married in 2008. This link was very slow to open on my work computer but opened much quicker on my ipad.

I've never shared a personal story and video with a large group at work before but 1) it's historic and 2) I wanted to "show off" Kate, Tori, Skip, and Charlie and let you know I'm proud of them.

Hal

Here is the news story: http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=news/local/los_angeles&id=9153711

A Day to Hug Your Kids Tight

This photo is from a few months ago, but I love it because it's so hard to get all three kids smiling so happily and naturally.  It seemed like an appropriate photo for a post about being thankful for each one of them.

It seems like there's news about a terrible shooting about once a month these days, but today's shooting at a school in Connecticut is disturbing on a whole different level given that 20 very young children died.  Obviously that makes you think of your own kids and generally scares the heck out of you (I saw a few friends posting on Facebook about wanting to homeschool their kids).

So this afternoon when I went to pick the kids up from daycare I decided we were going to have an "I love my children" evening with movies, candy, and hot chocolate with little marshmallows.  I told them we were going to have a really special night and that I wanted them to know how much I loved them, but they were kind of missing the context since they don't know anything about the shooting (one of the benefits of not having a television) and I certainly didn't want to share.  They didn't notice me getting choked up when I was trying to talk to them about how much I love them.  Luckily they were much more concerned about what specific candy and treats would be involved.

We came home and they each got to pick a show to watch on the computer -- that's three whole television shows!  Tori made salmon for dinner and then we gave them hot chocolate with teensy marshmallows.

Unfortunately, I had a hard time staying focused on happy, loving thoughts because each one of them was being kind of a pain in the neck (sometimes spoiling your kids for one night actually leads to really annoying behavior, as it turns out).

Regardless, today is definitely a day to hug your kids tighter than normal, spoil them a little bit more, and just generally give thanks that they're safe and healthy.  I'm so, so sorry for the families that don't get to do that tonight.

I'm a Junkie

The beautiful lobby of the L.A. Times building.  Courtesy of Ilpo's Sojourn, Wikimedia Commons.

Tori thinks I have a problem.  I think it's under control.  I'm talking about my compulsion to read every inch of the Los Angeles Times everyday.  I'm not one of those people who goes on vacation and signs up for the newspapers to be donated to a local school.  I like for them to be held for me so that when I get home I can make sure that I haven't missed anything.  I don't actually read every inch, but I do read almost every article and I have to scan every headline and first paragraph to make sure I'm not missing something important.

Naturally, I feel attached to the writers.  Or at least I think that's only natural.  I have a funny habit of reading the headline and testing myself to see whether I guess the reporter.  I can't always get it right because of course these days writers don't always stick to a certain beat, but I'm pretty familiar with most of the names.

Today was very special because I was given a tour by a reporter who I've worked with on a few stories (part of my job is media relations).  She was kind enough to spend two hours showing me around the building and introducing me to people whose bylines I've been reading for several years now.  At one point she said hi to a guy we passed in the hallway named Ralph and I asked her if that was Ralph so-and-so.  She thought that was so funny that I knew who he was and so whenever she introduced me to people she'd say, "She's a total Times junkie -- she even recognized Ralph so-and-so!"  And then the other person would usually make a joke about how there's probably only a total of three Times junkies out there.

Everyone seemed bemused that people were actually reading and appreciating their work since I think they've been operating under such a difficult situation with so much criticism about a degraded product (which is only natural given the changes in the industry).  They seemed surprised they even had any fans left, which made me want to start a Times appreciation society. Then again, I'm definitely the only 35-year-old I know who gets it delivered to her doorstep every morning.

Anyway, it was a really wonderful day and the only thing that would have been better is if I would have actually taken a photo on my big day.  I even got to crash their holiday potluck party, which was great!

The Day People Voted for Gay Marriage

I've written here and there about gay marriage cases in the news over the past few years, with the most impactful being first the ability for us to marry in June of 2008 and, subsequently, the amendment to the state constitution that banned same-sex marriage.  Obviously this is a deeply personal issue for us and I am hopeful that the Defense of Marriage Act will be repealed in Obama's (recently granted) second term.  The process of following all the various court cases and ballot initiatives often feels like an emotional roller coaster.

So I'm quite happy that, after a string of THIRTY-TWO straight losses at the ballot box, voters have finally ruled in favor of gay marriage.  Not in one state, but in three and a half (the Minnesota initiative was a gay marriage ban that voters rejected, so it wasn't quite the same as approving gay marriage).

This story has been somewhat lost in the discussion of the presidential election, which is certainly important and, I hope, will also play a role in progress on this issue (side-note: Tuesday was also the first time we elected a president who supported same-sex marriage!).

It's hard to say for sure whether this will be the tipping point -- of course opponents of same-sex marriage say it only passed in very "blue" states -- but I don't think you can overstate the significance of losing 32 times and then finally winning.  And although I think the very idea of asking people to submit their vote on whether a person can marry the person he or she loves is totally ludicrous, I think the movement needs the popular vote (not just the court cases) to be successful in the long-term.  I hope there is a definitive ruling from the Supreme Court that affirms the right to marry as a basic civil right, but I'm worried that if it happens too soon -- before the mainstream vote is behind it -- it could become like the abortion issue and continue to be extremely contentious.

These results make me feel very hopeful about the future.  So much has changed in such a short period of time.

More About My New Job

I love the diversity of scenes within the park. This is Upper Las Virgenes Canyon, which is just adjacent to the park border and is maintained by a partner agency.  Grasslands with the Santa Susana Mountains in the background.

And of course there are stunning coastline views -- this is the hills above Malibu looking at Santa Monica Bay and the Palos Verdes Peninsula in the distance (Catalina Island is just visible on the right).

When I left my job with the Peace Corps, I kind of felt like I had to go through a grieving process because I had worked for the agency either as a volunteer or a staffer for 10 of the previous 13 years and I was so deeply and personally connected to the agency.  Though I felt excited about my new position, I also felt sad that I probably wouldn't like my new job nearly as much.  If it wasn't for Peace Corps' rule about not working for the agency for more than five consecutive years, I would have happily stayed much longer.

So it is with surprise that I am now thinking I will like my new job better than my last.  It will take time, of course, to acclimate and learn the ins and outs of my new job, but I think I will get to work on more challenging issues with multiple levels of complexity.  It's invigorating to learn more about wildlife, nature, land acquisition strategies, legislative affairs, and new technologies.  

As an example, last week I spent a half-day in the field with our large carnivore expert, learning about mountain lions, tracking their movements via GPS collars, what their biggest challenges are, etc.  This particular individual has spent his entire career studying mountain lions all over the world and is the ultimate subject matter expert.  Yesterday I spent the afternoon with our planning and land use expert, touring current and prospective sites for development and getting a better understanding of the challenges related to habitat preservation in one of the most expensive real estate markets in the nation.  And I could go on!

Like all jobs, I'm sure I'll have days when I feel extremely frustrated -- and I can already see that the workload is going to be challenging -- but when that happens please refer me back to this post so that I can be reminded of how fortunate I am!

A Song for Whitney

I sing the kids songs every night before they go to bed.  Skip and Zadie used to each pick a song and Zadie would always pick "Supercalifragilistic" and Skip would always pick "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."  But since we put Charlie in the same room with them, I don't have nearly as much time for fiddling around with songs and special requests because if I dawdle in there he starts crying and wants me to hold him, so I have to make it quick.

In light of Whitney Houston's death yesterday, tonight I sang "The Greatest Love of All," or at least the parts of it that I remembered well.  Sometimes I can hear Tori in the other room laughing at me because the fun part about singing for your kids is that you can really belt it out.  There was a period of about two months when both Skip and Zadie kept requesting "Supercalifragilistic" and I was really sick of singing it.  Then, out of the blue, one night Zadie requested "Tomorrow" and I was so excited that I think I actually inhabited the role.  I'm pretty sure I nailed it because it came from somewhere deep inside of me.

If any of you have ever heard me sing, I'm sure you're skeptical.  I've been told on multiple occasions that I am tone-deaf.  But, again, the fun part of singing for your kids is that they have no clue one way or the other.  In fact, I have the two older kids trained so that whenever I sing a song (about 10 times a day), they say, "Mommy, I like your singing!"  And they're very earnest in their praise, I might add.  Sometimes I ask who the better singer is, me or Tori, and they always pick me.  My specialty is actually patriotic songs, like the national anthem and "America the Beautiful." But, in a pinch, I can also do Whitney Houston.

Today's Ruling on Gay Marriage

Today the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled, by a 2-1 vote, that Prop 8 is unconstitutional.  I had been waiting for the announcement of their ruling around 10am this morning and was very excited to hear the good news.

Two years ago, when a gay rights group first filed in federal court, it was very controversial among the LGBT community because filing in the federal courts means that the case may go all the way to the Supreme Court and many in the LGBT community did not feel we would have the votes to win, and a loss would be a terrible blow that would set the cause of gay marriage back many years (and possibly decades).  As time has gone on and polling shows the majority of Americans now support gay marriage, I have felt more and more optimistic about this strategy.  After today's ruling was announced, I even felt excited about the possibility that the Supreme Court would hear the case as early as next year.  I'm sending positive vibes to Anthony Kennedy as I write this!

But now I'm reading that the very narrow ruling in this case means it may never reach the Supreme Court and, if it does, the Court would probably only issue another narrow ruling without national implications.  While I appreciate the fact that my marriage is legal in the state of California and I hope that future  same-sex Californians can marry again in this state, it's really the 1,138 federal rights of marriage that I'm after.  I want to file my taxes jointly, I want Social Security benefits to carry on to my spouse if I die before her, and I want my marriage to still be valid when I leave the state of California.  And, as a federal employee, I will soon start paying a hefty monthly sum because I'm married to a woman and not a man.  When Tori gets laid off on March 2nd, she will have to purchase a health insurance plan out of pocket because the federal government does not recognize our relationship and I cannot include her on my family health plan.  If the Supreme Court were to rule that marriage is a civil right, then the Defense of Marriage Act would end and I could save a couple of hundred bucks a month on Tori's health insurance. And then there's that whole human dignity thing that I thought today's ruling put so nicely:

Marriage is the name that society gives to the relationship that matters most between two adults.  A rose by any other name may smell as sweet, but to the couple desiring to enter into a committed lifelong relationship, a marriage by the name of 'registered domestic partnership' does not.

Watch Out: Here Comes Politics & Current Events

When I started this blog after Zadie was born (or, more specifically, when my sister started this blog for me), I really only wanted it to be an electronic baby book that documented Zadie's early years.  Because of the ongoing culture wars in this country, I was worried about sharing too much about my personal life or my politics -- I didn't want to draw attacks from people critical of gay families.  I'm mostly talking about attacks in the form of mean-spirited comments or other online criticism, but it's also true that I've been very careful about what I disclose on the blog with regards to our physical location and identities.  I know it's a very remote possibility, and I'm happy to say that I feel it's more and more remote, but I felt so much hatred towards gay families in 2008 that I did worry a bit about some crazy person harming us.  It felt like the best way to deal with all the negativity was to just share the photos and stories of our life as new parents (which weren't all that different from any other new parents).

Having said all this, I tend to post entries with an eye for what my kids might be interested in reading many years down the road.  I would love to read what my parents were thinking about during some of the big events from my childhood, whether that was Jimmy Carter losing his re-election bid or even some pop culture event that I know nothing about.  I can talk to them about these events now, but it's different to read a journal of what someone was thinking at the time.

So, with that in mind, I'm going to occasionally post stories about my thoughts on the news of the day.  I think the only time I've done this in the past was my "Bittersweet" post when Obama won and Prop 8 passed.  And maybe our legal wedding day here and here.  Hopefully my few readers won't mind an occasional posting that doesn't involved photos of the kids!

Bittersweet

Dear Zadie,

Yesterday was a very momentous day in history and I want you to be able to read about this night in your early life when you get older. Barack Obama became the very first African-American to be elected president. Your two moms voted for Barack and cried tears of joy during his acceptance speech. You, on the other hand, slept your way through his speech. We don't have a television, so we went over to your Great-Aunt Susie's house to watch the speech and we're really glad we got to witness such a special occasion.

But the other side of this story is that Prop 8 passed, which means that California has amended the state constitution to define marriage as only between a man and a woman. Your two moms worked very hard (though certainly not hard enough!) to help defeat this proposition. The process of working on this campaign was very difficult and the aftermath is even harder. I'm just going to copy and paste an email that I sent out to our family (who were very loving and supportive!) so that you can now a little bit about what was going in your parents' lives during this time.

well, today is a very bittersweet day for us. we are discouraged and demoralized about the passage of prop 8. i knew it was going to be close and i was less optimistic than many of our friends who live in gay bubbles (el segundo kept any optimism in check!), but i'm shocked that 52% of california, the most progressive state in the nation, voted to amend the constitution in this way. the worst part is that the polling about six weeks ago had our side about 17 points ahead, which slipped to 4 points a week before the election. there's no doubt about the fact that television ads telling voters that their children will be taught about gay marriage in school were a deciding factor. i most definitely respect people's opinion that marriage should be between a man and a woman, but i wish they could understand the distinction between a religious marriage sanctioned by a church and a civil marriage approved by the state. i would have loved to have had the opportunity to show concerned voters that my marriage does not threaten anyone else's marriage. and, of course, i wish that all the kids who are raised by gay parents could grow up without feeling that their parents are less than equal under the law.

but today is bittersweet because if anybody can make you feel hopeful about how america can change, and how things that seemed impossible suddenly become possible, obama is certainly the man. we watched his acceptance speech last night and loved seeing the huge throngs of people who were celebrating such an historic occasion. dana, i'm sure it was amazing to be in times square. we probably should have gone somewhere where they were celebrating because we could have used the energy boost.

so, although we're very disappointed, we're trying to look on the positive side and hope that better things are in store for our future. also, we both know from experience living overseas that we are lucky to live in a country where we actually have the freedom to live openly as a couple and raise our daughter. so that's certainly no small consolation.

Up on her soapbox

Zadie's only a bit over seven months and already we're exploiting her for propaganda purposes. Here she is demonstrating her opposition to Prop 8, which would ban gay marriage in California. We have this yard sign in front of her house and, as you can see from the photo, Tori laminated a cut-out from our New York Times photo and taped it below the sign. As anyone who has been to our house knows, we love to sit on the couch and watch the people go by on the sidewalk. Now it's funny to see people walk up to the sign and lean over to look more closely at the sign. I don't think there's any conclusive science on the effectiveness of yard signs on political elections, but we figured we'd try and do what we can. We'll also be walking in Manhattan Beach's Hometown Fair 10k in our wedding dresses and white Converses with "No on Prop 8" signs. Again, who knows what effect this will have, but we do feel that we'd like to try and do something because the election will be so close.

If you check out the other photo closely you'll see that Zadie is wearing an "I love public transporation" onesie. Slightly less controversial than the "No on Prop 8" cause, but important to us nonetheless.

So the theme of this post is propaganda. We hope that even if our readers (all three of you) don't agree with us, we can all agree that Zadie looks pretty darn cute!

Oh, I also posted some new photos on Kodak, which you can view by clicking the link on the right (labeled "August/Sept 08").

More Wedding Photos

Photographers from our June 17th wedding have been kind enough to send us lots of photographs, so I thought I'd post a few more. I think Zadie looks particularly cute in the top photo, although I clearly need a haircut! And the bottom photo was taken by my uncle Mike as he watched us on CNN with Wolf Blitzer. I never thought I'd be that close to Wolf Blitzer!

Also, one photographer who spent a lot of time with us that day actually posted 226 photos of us on her website. She's also going to send us a disk so that we can have the photos forever. She and my mom spent a lot of time together that time and apparently people kept asking them if they were getting married that day. I think that's pretty funny that my mom was mistaken for a lesbian!!

In other news, we're having a great visit with my friend Jenna and her daughter Lucy from Wisconsin. I'll post a photo of Zadie and Lucy when I get a chance to download the photos.

Kate and Tori Get Hitched (Again)!

On Tuesday, June 17th same sex marriage became legal in California. Never one to miss a large gathering or celebration, Tori arrived the night before and stayed overnight to secure the very first place in line. We were thrilled to get our very official marriage certificate and participate in such an historic occasion. I could write so much more about the importance of this day in our lives and what we hope it will mean for Zadie, but I have so many other things to summarize.

Partly because we were first in line, partly because we were dressed in poofy white dresses, and mostly because we have a beautiful child, we had tons of cameras following us and requests to interview. It was a wonderfully crazy day and pretty much a media circus that even wiped indefatigable Tori out. Our photos or comments were seen in the NY Times, L.A. Times, Seattle Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, USA Today, San Francisco Chronicle, Wall Street Journal, Atlantic Monthly (see above), China Daily, London Telegraph, International Herald Tribune, CNN, and local television stations. We were on the front page of the L.A. Times hard copy edition and the front page of the nytimes.com page (see above) -- that generated by far the most attention and emails and phone calls from friends (some of them long lost friends!). We will treasure having all these memories for Zadie -- can you imagine conquering all that media at the age of five months??

Oh, and today a reporter called from People Magazine and apparently they're going to run a photo and a small blurb in this week's edition.

In all seriousness, it's been fun to be a part of so much excitement, but we also feel honored to be representing the gay and lesbian community in some small way. We were not a part of all the hard work that went into making this victory happen, but we are grateful to those who made our legal marriage possible. Hooray!