Sweeping the Nation

Anyone who has spend much time with youngsters lately knows these rainbow loom bracelets are sweeping the nation. They're like the friendship bracelets people were crazy about when I was a kid (I wasn't part of that trend or pretty much any trends when I was little).

Zadie was thrilled to get her own loom for Christmas and she loves sporting a whole "sleeve" of bracelets. But apparently her school, along with many others, have banned the things. Granted I don't know the details on why, but that seems a bit overzealous to me!

Anyway, Tori really wanted me to post about Zadie's love for these bracelets and how focused -- and obsessive -- she is about making all the different designs. She likes to learn new designs on YouTube.

I love this girl's attention span and strong focus!

Halloween 2013

This is the first year we've let one of our kids choose what they want to be for Halloween. Usually we give them a list of acceptable options and they pick within that, but Zadie really wanted to do her own thing. She wanted to make her own costume so she spent about two weeks making her robot outfit and finding random bits of silly stuff to glue gun onto the box.

We'll probably have to stop being so controlling about Halloween costumes soon, but Tori pretty much requires that they either use their imagination or let us use it on their behalf. We vetoed Skip's desire to be Batman and Charlie's desire to be Superman -- sorry, no superheroes! But when they older and care more, I promise we'll cede the battle. At this point they feel passionately about it for five minutes and then forget all about it.

Skip's In-N-Out costume was Tori's idea, of course while we were dining at that fine establishment. I chose this photo of the back of Skip because it shows she even got the oversized safety pin for the apron (for those poor out-of-staters who don't have In-N-Out Burger, it's a key part of the uniform!). He looked pretty legit. She made the red apron out of a red re-usable bag and just cut out the bottom and tied it around his wait with the arms from the bag. She also got a little In-N-Out lapel pin.

Charlie was the Tin Man this year, which is a homemade costume that Zadie wore twice and Skip has worn once. We were just thankful he actually agreed to keep the thing on because he's pretty stubborn about wearing costumes (and everything else!).

Tori's mom Linda came down from Washington to celebrate her favorite holiday with us. Sure wish I had asked her to get in the photos!

First Parent-Teacher Conference

Here's Zadie's easel in the backyard. This particular painting doesn't exactly
capture her creativity, but I like the expression on her face.

Yesterday Tori and I went to our very first parent-teacher conference. Zadie started kindergarten this year at a Waldorf-inspired charter school where they emphasize play and social and emotional development. We pretty much picked it because there's no homework until second grade. Yes!

Anyways, we weren't very surprised when the teacher told us how much Zadie loves the arts and crafts and also all the building projects. She loves projects and her attention to detail is pretty amazing. The teacher showed us a sewing project Zadie worked on and pointed out how wonderful her stitching is. We were honest and said we didn't know what was so special about that, so then the teacher showed us the other kids' sewing work and I have to admit I felt a little proud!

I was a little surprised when she shared that Zadie tends to hang back during recess and has generally preferred to play independently rather than with a big group of kids. I think this worries Tori a little bit, but not me because I love that Zadie is so independent and I'm sure she's way more social than I was at that age.

One suggestion the teacher made was that we might want to consider shielding Zadie a bit more from serious topics. She said that she really enjoys her conversations with Zadie, but that Zadie often discusses really heavy topics like blood and death and religion. We explained that it's likely because Zadie often asks me about the photos she sees in the newspaper. It's kind of hard to figure out sometimes how much to share, but I do try to be careful not to share too much (for example, the Sandy Hook shootings was a news story I didn't want her to know about at all, and she didn't). And ever since her Aunt Opal passed away suddenly last spring, she's been very fascinated by death and what happens after death.

I'm not really worried about Zadie's desire to talk about deep topics because I was very similar at a young age and I appreciate her interest in these topics. The teacher agreed with us that Zadie never talks about these subjects in a way that shows any kind of anxiety or sadness. It's really just curiosity and a desire to understand. She really enjoys those topics, so I don't plan on shutting down those conversations.

It was very interesting to hear the teacher's perspective on our mature little five-year-old. I laughed when the teacher described her as an "old soul" because people always said that to me when I was a child. Now I'm old in both soul and body.

Granddaddy Hal In Effect!

For a variety of reasons, I haven't been seeing as much of my parents that past six months as I would have liked, so I texted them Thursday and asked if they could come up this weekend. As they were mulling it over, I texted my dad that, though I wasn't trying to lay a guilt trip, Saturday night was the school's Father/Daughter dance and Zadie was really hoping he would come and take her to it! I think that may have sealed the deal.

My dad took his role very seriously. Both he and Zadie dressed up nicely and apparently they had a great time. To our utter surprise, Zadie danced all night long and even on stage (none of our kids are into dancing in public). Zadie actually said she was fine with Tori or I taking her to the dance and that she wouldn't be embarrassed (I'm sure that's coming in a few years!), but she was much more excited to have my dad take her.

Skip was devastated when he learned that he was going to be left out of the whole experience since he's not a student at the school. He cried and cried, until I told him we could call my dad and ask him if we would take Skip on a "special trip." So my dad took Skip out to breakfast early this morning and they got all decked out in cowboy gear -- those are Skip's brand-new chaps that my parents just gave him.

The kids were very happy to have these special experiences with my dad. Sorry to leave you out of this post, Mom, but this one was all about Dad. You know how the kids adore you!

Missing Kooky Zadie

Zadie is having an action-packed summer. Her last day at pre-school was mid-June and she'll basically be gallivanting with grandparents until she returns home on August 13th. Right now she's in the middle of a three-week long vacation with Grandma Linda (more on that later, when Linda sends me photos from their adventures).

It's pretty weird not to have Zadie around. Besides some weekends and holidays, we won't be seeing much of her this summer. She's only five years old, but very independent.

So I thought I'd share a photo that captures what a funny little kook Zadie can be. Note the ribbon bow-tie, the makeshift belt, and the one pigtail up and one pigtail down.

We love you and miss you, Zadie Zoo! Your brothers keep asking about you. :)

Daily Newspaper Ritual (this time with Zadie)

I'm very devoted to the daily newspaper (Tori would say overly devoted!), so it made me very happy for Zadie to join in the fun a few weekends ago. She can only read basic words at this point, but she still likes to pick the words out. She's very curious about what she sees in the pictures, but unfortunately most of the topics are very complex and upsetting to try and explain to her.

Sometimes I feel scared about the fact that at least two of my three children are now at the point when they can pretty much remember everything from here on out. Like I really need to step up my game and be a lot nicer now that everything is on the record.

I try to think honestly and objectively about what my kids will remember about me during these early years. Though this isn't very flattering to share, I think the main things my kids will remember about me when they try to pull something out of their hazy memories will be newspapers, beer, a hot temper, and that I was the parent who hooked them up with treats. It's not that I drink a lot of beer, but a few nights per week I have a bottle of beer with dinner and the kids (and Tori!) like to make a really huge deal about that and Zadie even told her pre-school teacher that I love to drink beer (thanks for that, Zadie!).

I'd like to fix the part about having a hot temper, but I'm often torn between accepting myself as the parent that I am versus constantly trying to improve. I want to be better about my temper, but I don't want to be wracked with mom guilt and I also feel like it's okay if kids are on the receiving end of an angry parent every once in a while. Luckily, they have another mom who is much nicer (but not when it comes to treats!).

Joining the Tribe

Love this photo of the three girls with the race cars on her head!

A few months ago Zadie was the lucky recipient of an invitation to go camping with her two cousins and her Auntie Kim and Uncle Eric. I think there was about 100 kids and they're all part of this Y-Indian Princesses organization, so Zadie was the only oddball not in the group. From my sister's report, however, this didn't concern her one bit. She dove in 100% to all the group activities and was her normal obsessive, competitive self about bead collecting, bead trading, getting candy from the pinata, and racing the little cars pictured above. Kim could do a better job writing about all her little eccentricities, but I'm proud that Zadie fit right in to the Kiowa "tribe" and that she got to have such an amazing time with her family. She's much better than I was about getting along with her peers and adjusting to new environments!

Scavenging with Grandma Linda

She spent a whole month here and this is the best photo we have! Hanging out at Grandma Linda's favorite spot...

Linda came to visit for a whole month recently, thanks to the birth of my new nephew (welcome to the world, Wyatt!). We didn't get to see her much during the week since we live way out in the suburbs, but on the weekends we got to soak up our Grandma Linda time.

Zadie has a special relationship with both of her grandmas. She talks about why she loves both of them and her reasons are very different. When it comes to Grandma Linda, she loves bike rides, beach adventures, international travel, going to garage sales, and scavenging through people's trash together. Zadie and Linda both love the thrill of the hunt, and there are some good finds in well-to-do beach communities. They found some great beach chairs (with the tags on!), two nice kid bikes, balloons, fishing line, and so much more!

Zadie and Linda also share an interest in the divine. Once when they returned from a bike ride, Linda told me that Zadie had asked her all kinds of interesting questions about Jesus and what forgiveness means. We called Linda just now to find out what the specific questions were, but none of us can remember -- take our word for it that they were very interesting!

Linda is always saying how Zadie is so fun to talk with and to share adventures with and what a great travel partner she would make. Like I mentioned in my last post, it's always nice when people have wonderful things to say about your children because it makes you appreciate them so much more!

Zadie Turned Five

Zadie and her moms.  This was one of many great photos my sister took of our family.  The only problem with this one is that Zadie has chocolate in her teeth (we were bribing the kids to sit still for photos!).

Zadie turned five a few weeks ago.  Like last year, her number one birthday request was to have some special time alone with her moms, sans brothers.  We ended up taking her to a totally cheesy 1960s fun center at the Redondo Beach pier, which was a major time warp.  I wish I would have taken photos to document the place, but basically it's like a miniature version of Coney Island.  I think she was pretty pleased with it.  She doesn't care much for the video games, but she likes any of the games that shoot out tickets, like skeet ball and some other silly game where you throw balls into a hole to make your horse advance while a man with poor English skills tries to play the role of the horse race announcer.  We were good mothers and let her win all six times.  She also rode the Tilt-a-Wheel a few times.

Afterwards she celebrated her birthday with Tori's family at Aunt Susie's house and, while I was at the Grand Canyon, she got her true birthday wish.  My parents took her to Chuck E. Cheese's with Sophie and Izzy.  Like McDonald's and Disneyland, Chuck E. Cheese's was one of those places we'd hoped to avoid for as long as possible, but she went to a friend's party there a few months ago and now she's hooked.  So my parents granted her wish and she had a wonderful time.  Last night when I was tucking her in to bed, apropos of nothing, she told me that her dream in life was to live at Chuck E. Cheese's with all of her family. At least it's nice that she included us in her utopian vision.

I want to share a few things about this little Zadie Zoo on the occasion of her fifth birthday.  She amazes us with her creativity, brightness, and quirky sense of humor.  My favorite moments with her are the 10 minutes before she goes to bed every night, when either Tori or I gets in bed with her to read chapter books.  After I finish reading her a chapter, we hold onto each other and spend a few minutes having deep talks.  Like about how she wants to move her whole family to Chuck E. Cheese's.  Or about what she likes most about her life.  She's typically a total pleasure to be with when she's not with her brothers.  She needs some work on the subject of how to get along as one big family, but I know that's normal.  I know what a special kid she is.

Meeting Zadie's Sperm Donor (and How We Built Our Family)

Can you see the resemblance?  Sammie also brought his dad along and we had a nice picnic with wine and cheese.

I'm not sure if this blog has ever spelled out how we all came to be a family, which is a common question we get since we obviously didn't do it the old-fashioned way.  Our original thought was that Tori and I would each have a biological child (since we wanted to have the experience of being pregnant and giving birth) and we would also adopt two kids from the foster care system.

I used a sperm donor to get pregnant with Zadie (more on that in a moment), and then Tori had trouble getting pregnant, so we skipped that step and proceeded directly to adopting from the foster care system.  We've had Skip since he was four days old and his adoption went through when he was nine months old.  We were planning to wait a few years and then adopt an older sibling set, but then we got a call that Skip's birth mom had another baby and so that's how we ended up with three kids under three years of age!

When we were choosing a sperm donor, we knew we wanted an "open" donor, which is a donor that agrees to be contacted when the child turns 18 (obviously only if the child is interested).  We always wanted this option for Zadie and figured it would be an interesting process many years down the road.  As it turns out, we got connected to other offspring of our donor via the sperm bank's sibling registry and that has evolved into a blog that then attracted the attention of the donor himself.  He has since started blogging about being a sperm donor and expressed interest in meeting one of the children so we set up a meeting with him at a local park.

I know that all of this is kind of new and different (the whole concept of using a sperm donor, much less meeting him at your local park!), but actually it was a very positive experience and I'm very happy not only with the product of all of this (Zadie!), but also the person we chose and his approach to this.

Meeting your sperm donor can be a little tricky on both sides.  I want him to be friendly and interested, but not too friendly and interested.  He's not her dad and I don't want him envisioning that kind of role in her life. At the same time, I appreciated his interest to know her, spend time with her, and really learn about her.  We're so happy that we chose a kind, caring, and very likeable person to be Zadie's sperm donor.  As time goes on, it will be up to Zadie whether this is a relationship that is important to her, but we are happy to know that the relationship is available to her if she's interested.  Honestly, the meeting couldn't have gone any better.

As you can see from the photo, Zadie and Sammie have the exact same eyes.  Sammie commented to his dad that she had the family's "cinnamon" eyes, which we've never been sure how to describe.

Turning the Tables: Piercings

A few nights ago Tori called me from Portland to tell me that she had just gotten her nose pierced.  She had been talking about it for a while, so I wasn't too surprised about that.  Then she asked whether Zadie could get her nose pierced, too.  I said of course not.  Tori pointed out that it's totally normally in East Indian culture for little girls to have their noses pierced and I said that's terrific, but she's clearly not East Indian.

I could hear Zadie in the background pushing the issue and I told Tori to tell her that in America, it's not normal for little girls to get their noses pierced.  Zadie then said that she didn't want to be normal and that she wanted to be really unique.

The irony is not lost upon me that I am now trying to force my daughter to be "normal" when few kids fought harder against that definition than I did.  My mom eventually gave up her battles with me (I outlasted her), but I definitely remember the arguments over the dresses and skirts she wanted me to wear and the cutesie hairstyles she attempted.  I also remember her brushing my hair every night before I went to bed and putting those squishy pink curlers in my hair that I had to sleep with.  As a mother, I now look back and think, wow, that was a serious act of love that she spent all that time doing that, but at the time I seriously hated every minute of it.  I credit my mom for letting go of those battles with me at a relatively young age.  For the most part, I think I was free to be poorly dressed with ratty sneakers and a bowl cut from about kindergarten on.  After that point, she was pretty selective in the battles she chose.

So my own personal history can sometimes make me think twice about trying to force Zadie to conform.  In this case, the compromise was that she got to have her ears pierced (see photo below).  She didn't cry one bit and she's really happy with her newly pierced ears.

I don't know how old I was when my mom had my ears pierced, but young enough that I don't remember it. As soon as I began exercising more freedom with my appearance, I promptly took those earrings out and let the holes close (I got them pierced again when I was in my early twenties).  It will be interesting to see how this evolves with Zadie.

One More Memory from Port Angeles

I always say that I love my children the most when we're at the beach.

So when I got to pick the outing for my last day in Port Angeles, I chose a trip to the mouth of the Elwha River and the surrounding "beach."  It's not really a beach from a Southern California perspective, but what it lacked in white sand it made up for in flotsam.  And little kids really enjoy flotsam.  All three had a great time picking through a wide and curious assortment of rocks, sticks, logs, seaweed, and shells.  I think we could have stayed much longer, but I had to get back to catch my bus.


Right before we left, we checked out this welcoming little structure, which Grandma Linda called a surf shack.  Talk about an amazing little fort.  I like to think about the people who built this little shack and how excited they must have been when they found that one huge curved piece of wood that makes the perfect entryway.  


I hope our kids remember these sort of adventures.  I mean, as opposed to many other memories they could have of the time they spend with me when I might be grumpy or frustrated or overwhelmed.  I feel very confident they'll remember Tori as being fun and lovable, but hopefully they'll have some fun memories of me socked away in there somewhere.  And hopefully this will be one of them.

Costa Rica: This Photo Makes Me Happy

Looking at this photo makes me really happy.  First, Zadie is so beautiful.  But more than being beautiful, she just looks so alive and fun.  What a little character she is.

I wasn't happy about the fact that Tori wanted to take the kids to Costa Rica for two months, but when I look at this picture of Zadie, I feel happy that she and her siblings got to have this wild experience.  I think it's been an amazingly fun time for them -- as Zadie reminds me every time we Skype, in Costa Rica she gets to have either an ice cream or a popsicle every day!  I'm not sure how much she and Skip will remember of all their adventures, but I'm pretty sure they'll remember the ice cream part.

Costa Rica: Zadie and the Frog

Tori emailed me this picture tonight.  She said she was taking a shower when Zadie came running in to show her what she had caught.  She's braver than I am!

Costa Rica: Goofballs with Pipe Cleaners

Tori and her mom are both good at facilitating creativity with our kids, so apparently they took our supply of fuzzy pipe cleaners to Costa Rica with them.  A few nights ago I got a flurry of photos with the kids wearing pipe cleaners in a variety of creative ways, so here is a sampling!

Zadie's 4-Year Checkup

The results are in.  Zadie is 42.25 inches tall (94th percentile) and 41 pounds (80th percentile).  She says she likes to be tall, but doesn't want to be too tall.  For her sake, hopefully my relatively short genes will help.

And she's fit as a fiddle and I am so thankful for her good health!

Zadie's Birthday Weekend: Day Two

Really like this photo of Zadie and Sophie, but I wish I had a good one of the three girls.

 We told Zadie that today was her actual birthday, even though it's actually Tuesday, because we didn't want to celebrate a third day.  She was pretty spoiled all day long, first and foremost by the fact that her cousins spent the night.  We packed five kids into one room, with the three girls sleeping on the floor together and Skip and Charlie in their regular beds.

As soon as they woke up, we let them watch Zadie's favorite Pippi Longstocking movie, which is a very rare treat.  They had a fun morning at the park and then they got to the BEACH.  Yes, it was that beautiful and amazing today.  I told Zadie she was really fortunate to have such a beautiful beach day in January.  Zadie went pretty deep in the water and got her hair wet.  Her cousins were a bit more tentative about the big waves (and the icy water), but all three had hours of fun playing in the sand and running around.  It was a very beautiful moment.

Eventually we had to leave the beach and go to Aunt Susie's house for a family birthday party.  Zadie had a surprise visit from my parents, which she was very excited about (wish I had a photo!).  She was very fortunate to get many, many presents.  I feel slightly disturbed by how many presents she received for her birthday, but I guess I should get over it.

Some of her favorite presents included a new scooter (from her moms), a new helmet and water sandals (from my parents), a piggy bank, jumper, and book/stuffed animal (from Grandma Linda), a M & M dispenser (from Aunt Katie), and a t-ball set (Aunt Susie).  And I just realized that I forgot to give her the present from my sister.  Oops!

Zadie's Birthday Weekend: Day One

How we should all start the day: with a rainbow popsicle!

Getting her first mani/pedi.

This used to be a baby back rib. She enjoyed lemonade and cornbread.

I'm usually carrying Charlie, so Zadie got to be carried all over the place.  This was right after the ferris wheel.

Thanks to Sidney for making a great cake with blue frosting, just like Zadie requested!  (This is her cute new outfit from Grandma Linda)

Zadie had some very specific requests for her birthday.  Instead of a party in the park, she wanted to have a few kids over and watch a movie projected onto the living room wall.  More specifically, she requested that there be no little brothers or babies at her party.  That's quite the insight into her everyday life.

So we obliged her and farmed out the two boys to some very kind friends and relatives while we took her to Long Beach for a fun day with her two moms.  Although we each try hard to spend alone time with our kids, I don't think she's had time alone with both of her moms since before she was 17 months old and Skip arrived.

Per her request, we took her to get a popsicle and then her very first mani/pedi.  She picked out the colors and felt quite pampered.  Then we took her to lunch -- baby back ribs and cornbread!  Lastly, we took her on the ferris wheel and for a haircut.

Then it was time to return home and get ready for Zadie's party.  My sister called around this time and asked if I was stressed out about preparing for the party and I had to laugh because all we really did was clean the house and then throw on a movie.  Tori made a casserole, Sidney brought a cake, and all was good.  Some of the adults played Scrabble while it was happening.  That was the really nice part of not having the younger kids there -- we could relax and let the older kids play together.

Oh, and an hour before the party started Zadie got a really wonderful surprise: her cousins Sophie and Izzy showed up for a sleepover!  You really wouldn't believe how excited she was.  It makes me sooo happy to see how excited she gets to spend time with those two.  She had told us that she was really hoping to see Sophie and Izzy on her birthday and her wish came true.

The Ranch Files: Zadie Wonders About the Afterlife

Zadie and my dad at my Granddaddy Kirk's grave.

My mom with Zadie in front of the old ranch house, where my Great-Great-Uncle Arthur used to live.

Zadie got to stay a few extra days at the ranch with my parents, while Tori took the two boys home to L.A. and I (the clear victor in this arrangement) went to Austin for a few days of glorious adult time (more on that in a later post).  Zadie loved all the special attention from her grandparents and they had a picnic in a deer blind one day and got to watch the wildlife from way up high in the sky (sitting very quietly so as not to scare off the animals).

But as they were leaving the ranch and heading to the airport, my parents took Zadie to Tilden's Hilltop Cemetery, where many of my relatives are buried.  My Granddaddy Kirk, with whom I was extremely close, is buried there (see above photo of my dad and Zadie in front of his grave).  When my dad told me that he took her to a cemetery, I asked whether this caused Zadie to ask a lot of questions.  "It sure did," he said.  From the cemetery to the airport (about an hour's drive), Zadie interrogated both of my parents about the afterlife.

What happens after people die?  Why do people die?  Why are they buried underground?  Do they grow back?  After all the people die, will there be any more people left?  Am I going to die?

My dad said he tried to dodge some of these questions, but that Zadie was a very skilled interrogator.  He tried to tell her that these were questions that she needed to be asking her moms.  But, since she would not relent, he finally told her that no one is 100% sure what happens after someone dies, but that he believed the body died and the spirit continues living.  When I got home a few days ago, one of the first things Zadie asked me when we were alone was, "What happens after people die? Granddaddy Hal said there's a spirit inside you that runs away."

As my dad said, "In retrospect, maybe taking her to a cemetery wasn't such a hot idea after all!"

Zadie Portrait

My sister-in-law took this great photo of Zadie over the 4th of July weekend.  I love this girl's smile.

When people see this photo, I have a feeling they will say that she looks just like me.  Like I've said before, I really don't see it.  Maybe it's hard to see yourself in another person.  At any rate, I take it as a compliment because Zadie is far more beautiful than I have ever been.  And I'm not being modest.

Tori and I marvel about her beauty all the time and I tell her sometimes that she is beautiful or that I love her smile, but we don't want her to necessarily grow up focusing on that too much.  And, frankly, I don't want her to be one of the super-popular beautiful girls in high school because I think they get into too much trouble and have to face a lot of peer pressure.  I hope she can be a bit of a nerd in high school, like I was.  Not the kind that's picked on, but enough a nerd that she's a bit sheltered from the scene in high school.  Fingers crossed!