Pretend You're Not There

I've written previously about how completely wrong I was about what parenting would be like.  But for the past two Saturdays, all my fantasies about the kids happily and creatively playing together (while I do something else and lovingly glance over at them) have actually come true!

Yes, there are occasionally tears and issues that need to be resolved.  And of course I have to perform some basic motherly duties such as feeding and wiping runny noses.  But it's also kind of like I'm not even there.  And that's a good thing.

They're coming up with their own imaginative play and even resolving disputes on their own.  While I was blissfully vacuuming and mopping (five years ago you couldn't have convinced me that cleaning a house could be such a Zen experience!), I saw the kids:

• make a rocket ship out of a flipped-over trash can and go into space
• pretend to be a mama bird who teaches her baby bird how to fly and eat (this lasted 15 minutes)
• pass out several golf balls (gathered from the nearby creek) to golfers who were passing by our backyard.  One guy gave them a dollar for four golf balls, though I made sure they weren't soliciting donations!
• climb a rather difficult tree in our backyard (though she did need help getting down)

So obviously I've been trying to figure out why things have been so awesome lately.  I think it's partly because these two Saturdays have been totally out of the ordinary in that we've actually spent the entire day at home.  That's very unheard of in our lives.  Last Saturday Tori had to work and so she gave me all kinds of suggestions about all the really amazing and enriching activities I could do with them, which I naturally ignored.  I just stayed home instead.

Today we stayed home all day, too, which was only really possible because Tori was suffering from cramps and spent a fair amount of the day in bed with a heating pad.  She typically has to be either working or debilitated in some way for us not to spend the weekend bouncing from activity to activity.

In addition to just staying home all day, the other factor in what I would call a minor parenting success (but just about the only one I've ever had!) is that I made a very conscious effort to pretend I wasn't there.  I've had some form of this strategy operating for quite some time -- I think Tori finds it kind of annoying, but I also think she's finding it harder to argue with its benefits.  I know it runs counter to the whole idea of how nowadays we're supposed to really engage with our kids and spend quality time with them.  Tori is really good at facilitating play, but then sometimes I feel like the down side of that is that the kids look to her for entertainment so much.  

Obviously everything should be done in moderation and I'm not suggesting people ignore their kids -- I still love laughing with them and reading to them and having big family dance parties at night in front of the sliding glass door.  But I do think there is something to getting out of their way and letting kids take charge of imaginative play and problem-solving.  

I always wish that I had more of those parenting-in-the-movies moments when you're just totally overcome with feelings of love and affection for your children -- I have them, but just not nearly as often as I would like.  Watching my three kids spend an entire day playing joyfully and imaginatively -- and never complaining about being bored -- is definitely one of those experiences.

So that's a new parenting tool I'm going to try out.  Pretend you're not there.

(Obviously this has a limited application and doesn't work when you have to get the kids dressed, feed them, bathe them, discipline them, etc.  But it also forces us to make sure we're actually providing enough opportunities to get out of their way and let them make their kid magic.)