What the Defense of Marriage Act Means to Me

I could go on and on about what the Supreme Court's decision to strike down the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) means to me and my family. I think the best way to explain its impact is to reflect back on 1996, when it was passed by Congress and signed by President Clinton.

I was in college and I was extremely stressed and worried about being gay. I had nightmares. I swore that I wouldn't "let" myself be gay, but I kept finding myself in situations that were, well, extremely gay. In the midst of all of this, the Defense of Marriage Act passed and my big take-home message from that was that being gay meant not being normal. It meant not getting married and not having a family. It made me even more determined to do whatever it took to not be gay.

Obviously I failed at not being gay. Now it's less than 20 years later and I'm happily (and legally!) married to a woman and we have three kids together. My family is loving and accepting.

People talk about what a tremendous turnaround there has been in public opinion towards same-sex marriage in the last several years and I can certainly attest to that on a very personal level. There have been many ups and downs in the fight for marriage equality just since 2008 alone, but the Defense of Marriage Act was always the biggie -- this is the most important milestone yet on both a practical (hooray, we get to file taxes together and Tori can go on my health insurance!) and a symbolic level.

We were interviewed on local television this week and my dad sent out the following message to 500 employees at his company. I am very lucky to have this man as my father.

Subject Line: Yesterday was a great day for my family

My daughter Kate "married" her partner Tori in October, 2005. Since marriage wasn't legal for same sex couples in California at the time, 200 family members and friends gathered in our backyard to celebrate the life commitment these beautiful women made to each other that day. It was a great celebration but something was missing - a marriage license. In 2008 they were legally married on the first day same sex marriage was legal in California. We were extremely happy that their marriage was now legally recognized. Next came two disappointments. First, even though they were legally married, Kate's employer, the federal government, couldn't provide spousal benefits to Tori because of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). When DOMA passed in 1996 I was an old fashioned guy who thought it was okay because same sex couples could get the same benefits as married couples through civil unions. Like many, my views have evolved. The second disappointment was when Prop 8 passed in California, making same sex marriage illegal in California. Yesterday both of those disappointments went away.   

Kate and Tori live in Agoura Hills, CA with their three children. A Los Angeles ABC news reporter interviewed Kate and Tori in their home yesterday. Since I'm a proud father, father-in-law, and grandfather, I decided to share the news clip with you. If you watch the video you will see my two grandsons, Skip and Charlie. Their 5 year old sister Zadie isn't in the video because she's spending the week at our house. You'll also see a picture of Kate and Tori's wedding in our backyard and of them when they were legally married in 2008. This link was very slow to open on my work computer but opened much quicker on my ipad.

I've never shared a personal story and video with a large group at work before but 1) it's historic and 2) I wanted to "show off" Kate, Tori, Skip, and Charlie and let you know I'm proud of them.

Hal

Here is the news story: http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=news/local/los_angeles&id=9153711