We Got Jokes

The kids have recently taken an interest in telling jokes. Really bad jokes.

We've Got Jokes from Kate K. on Vimeo.

An Actual Studio Photo

I'm so glad that Tori's mom bought a photo session for a group photo. With a family this size, you need professional help!

Studio photos seem more and more rare these days, but I really like them. 

I present to you the Rogers Thanksgiving 2013 Family Photo!

Becoming My Father

I'm a thirty-something lesbian who lives in L.A. I majored in English lit and did the Peace Corps after college. Sometimes I drive my electric car to work, but most days I just ride my bike. Did I mention we used cloth diapers for all three kids?

I've got "left-wing" written all over me.

Yet lately something funny has been happening. I can't tell if some secret inner Republican buried deep inside me is starting to creep out or if I'm just turning into my father.

Zadie is now attending an alternative charter school that has a lot of unusual rules. For example, the kids can't wear any clothing or backpacks with commercial characters. Screen time is not allowed during the school week. The food you feed your children should be nutritious and preferably organic.

It just so happens that our family pretty much practices all of those principles anyway (we don't even own a television), but for some reason when I was sitting in the auditorium with all of the other parents a few nights before school started, I felt like rising up against the nanny state. I realized my stream of consciousness sort of resembled a Sarah Palin rant I'd heard before.

I've also been a little heavy-handed with a few situations at work lately, both involving a young employee who irritates me a little bit. Why does he irritate me? Oh, just because I don't think he shows proper deference to authority. Who am I?! I keep on telling myself that it's really not my job to go around trying to instill respect for authority into people, especially given that I don't even supervise this person! It reminds me of Gus from Lonesome Dove not tolerating rude behavior (my father suffers from this same affliction).

And I don't even need to tell you how many times I'm reminded of my father when I'm dealing with an unruly or disrespectful child of mine!

Lastly, one night when we were visiting Tori's family over Thanksgiving, I came back from seeing a friend and her family was playing a new, rather raunchy card game. I sat at the table and hung out for half an hour or so before I went to bed. Or at least that's what I thought I was doing. Later multiple in-laws told me they thought I seemed really uncomfortable and offended by the inappropriateness of the topics being discussed. I wasn't offended at all by the game and I actually thought it was really amusing. But, since apparently I've become my father, apparently I now exude some kind of fatherly/motherly disapproval and have serious facial expressions even when I'm having fun!

Don't get me wrong, there is no one in the world I love or admire more than my father. But he's the father and I'm the kid. This must be part of the aging process. I guess I've heard people joke about turning into their parents before, but I feel like this is kind of different. Maybe because we're not the same gender.

And because I'm a thirty-something lesbian who lives in L.A., majored in English lit and did the Peace Corps. My dad, on the other hand, is a successful businessman who grew up in East Texas in the 1950s and served with special forces in Vietnam. Kind of different.

You'd be off the mark if you tried to judge either one of us by the obvious demographics. You don't know what kind of authoritarian, traditional values streak lurks within this particular thirty-something L.A. lesbian. And you'd be pretty surprised about how thoughtful and open-minded a guy who grew up in segregated East Texas and served in the military can be.

I love you, Dad!

The Smiling Soccer Player

This was Skip's first season playing AYSO soccer. Let's just say he took it pretty seriously. He wanted to wear his uniform every single day and he was pretty serious about getting a good night's sleep the night before the game.

Despite this focus, the funny thing about Skip was that he had a big grin on his face the whole time he was playing. Other parents definitely commented on this, too. He was having a great time out there.

Because he just made the cut-off this year, he was a full year younger than some of the other boys. So he wasn't the best player on the team, but he definitely had good ball-handling skills, a good understanding of the game, and most importantly, a true joy about competing!

Kind of hard to tell from these photos, but you can sort of see a smile on his face. Zadie, I'm sorry we have no photos of you playing this season (or of Tori coaching you!), but it's only because there was a mom on Skip's team who sent me these photos! Sure wish I would have taken a picture of Coach Tori and her daughter.

Skip's Bike Skills

Skip learned how to ride a bike when he was two-and-a-half years old. He's a little bit small for his age, but extremely coordinated. Someone recently described him as being "very aware of where his body is in space," which is an interesting way to think about it.

Before it started getting dark so early recently, almost everyday when I'd come home from work Skip would be outside riding his bike on the sidewalk in front of our house. It's just a little strip he's allowed to do by himself, but he would madly pedal back and forth like it was a really important race or something. Of all the kids, he's the least interested in independent play, but riding his bike is definitely an exception.

So I'm posting these two photos in honor of Skip's mad bicycling skills!

More bicycling feats from Kate K. on Vimeo.

Skip's ramp skills from Kate K. on Vimeo.

Pomegranate Season

It's pomegranate season and we've been relieving all the neighborhood trees of their heavy, heavy burden. There was a nice one on city property that Tori climbed into one night for a whole bagful and also some neighbors who sent us a few bags. People seem to be letting them rot otherwise. We've loved adding them to salads and just eating them as a stand-alone snack.

Pomegranates were the one fruit I absolutely loved as a kid, I think because it was so rare that we had them.

I think this photo Tori took is beautiful in so many ways. Quite the bounty (and the mess).

Halloween 2013

This is the first year we've let one of our kids choose what they want to be for Halloween. Usually we give them a list of acceptable options and they pick within that, but Zadie really wanted to do her own thing. She wanted to make her own costume so she spent about two weeks making her robot outfit and finding random bits of silly stuff to glue gun onto the box.

We'll probably have to stop being so controlling about Halloween costumes soon, but Tori pretty much requires that they either use their imagination or let us use it on their behalf. We vetoed Skip's desire to be Batman and Charlie's desire to be Superman -- sorry, no superheroes! But when they older and care more, I promise we'll cede the battle. At this point they feel passionately about it for five minutes and then forget all about it.

Skip's In-N-Out costume was Tori's idea, of course while we were dining at that fine establishment. I chose this photo of the back of Skip because it shows she even got the oversized safety pin for the apron (for those poor out-of-staters who don't have In-N-Out Burger, it's a key part of the uniform!). He looked pretty legit. She made the red apron out of a red re-usable bag and just cut out the bottom and tied it around his wait with the arms from the bag. She also got a little In-N-Out lapel pin.

Charlie was the Tin Man this year, which is a homemade costume that Zadie wore twice and Skip has worn once. We were just thankful he actually agreed to keep the thing on because he's pretty stubborn about wearing costumes (and everything else!).

Tori's mom Linda came down from Washington to celebrate her favorite holiday with us. Sure wish I had asked her to get in the photos!

First Parent-Teacher Conference

Here's Zadie's easel in the backyard. This particular painting doesn't exactly
capture her creativity, but I like the expression on her face.

Yesterday Tori and I went to our very first parent-teacher conference. Zadie started kindergarten this year at a Waldorf-inspired charter school where they emphasize play and social and emotional development. We pretty much picked it because there's no homework until second grade. Yes!

Anyways, we weren't very surprised when the teacher told us how much Zadie loves the arts and crafts and also all the building projects. She loves projects and her attention to detail is pretty amazing. The teacher showed us a sewing project Zadie worked on and pointed out how wonderful her stitching is. We were honest and said we didn't know what was so special about that, so then the teacher showed us the other kids' sewing work and I have to admit I felt a little proud!

I was a little surprised when she shared that Zadie tends to hang back during recess and has generally preferred to play independently rather than with a big group of kids. I think this worries Tori a little bit, but not me because I love that Zadie is so independent and I'm sure she's way more social than I was at that age.

One suggestion the teacher made was that we might want to consider shielding Zadie a bit more from serious topics. She said that she really enjoys her conversations with Zadie, but that Zadie often discusses really heavy topics like blood and death and religion. We explained that it's likely because Zadie often asks me about the photos she sees in the newspaper. It's kind of hard to figure out sometimes how much to share, but I do try to be careful not to share too much (for example, the Sandy Hook shootings was a news story I didn't want her to know about at all, and she didn't). And ever since her Aunt Opal passed away suddenly last spring, she's been very fascinated by death and what happens after death.

I'm not really worried about Zadie's desire to talk about deep topics because I was very similar at a young age and I appreciate her interest in these topics. The teacher agreed with us that Zadie never talks about these subjects in a way that shows any kind of anxiety or sadness. It's really just curiosity and a desire to understand. She really enjoys those topics, so I don't plan on shutting down those conversations.

It was very interesting to hear the teacher's perspective on our mature little five-year-old. I laughed when the teacher described her as an "old soul" because people always said that to me when I was a child. Now I'm old in both soul and body.

Missing Child

Every night before we go to bed, we go into the kids' rooms and check on them to make sure they've got their blankets on them and whatnot (by "we" I mostly mean Tori!). This particular night when Tori went into the boys' room, one of the kids was missing...

Missing child from Kate K. on Vimeo.

Granddaddy Hal In Effect!

For a variety of reasons, I haven't been seeing as much of my parents that past six months as I would have liked, so I texted them Thursday and asked if they could come up this weekend. As they were mulling it over, I texted my dad that, though I wasn't trying to lay a guilt trip, Saturday night was the school's Father/Daughter dance and Zadie was really hoping he would come and take her to it! I think that may have sealed the deal.

My dad took his role very seriously. Both he and Zadie dressed up nicely and apparently they had a great time. To our utter surprise, Zadie danced all night long and even on stage (none of our kids are into dancing in public). Zadie actually said she was fine with Tori or I taking her to the dance and that she wouldn't be embarrassed (I'm sure that's coming in a few years!), but she was much more excited to have my dad take her.

Skip was devastated when he learned that he was going to be left out of the whole experience since he's not a student at the school. He cried and cried, until I told him we could call my dad and ask him if we would take Skip on a "special trip." So my dad took Skip out to breakfast early this morning and they got all decked out in cowboy gear -- those are Skip's brand-new chaps that my parents just gave him.

The kids were very happy to have these special experiences with my dad. Sorry to leave you out of this post, Mom, but this one was all about Dad. You know how the kids adore you!

Government Shutdown Diaries

I'll skip the political vent about the recent partial government shutdown and just share about the fun adventures we had during that 16-day period. I actually had to work the first two or three days as one of the "essential" personnel, but then I switched into serious shutdown mode. As happy as I was that the shutdown was over for a variety of rational reasons, I must admit that when I got the message at around 7pm that I had to go back into work the next morning it was kind of a shock to the system. The nerve of asking us to report for duty!

The good news is that Tori and I got to have lots of quality time with the kids and also together. The grainy photo above is our last day on furlough. We finally went to El Matador State Beach, which I've been wanting to go to for a long time. It's one of the more remote state beaches in Malibu and has beautiful rock formations (often used for filming!). We had an amazing time in the tidepools and exploring the caves and whatnot. Beautiful October day at the beach.

Because we had just hired a nanny to work three days a week and we didn't want to pass the furlough on to her (nor did I want to pay her for not working), Tori and I got to go on dates into the city. One day we went to the Getty Villa and shopping at our favorite consignment store in Santa Monica. Another day we caught the "Never Built" exhibit at the Architecture and Design Museum. And of course we spent lots of time in Manhattan Beach!

Hopefully we won't have another shutdown anytime soon. But if we do, we'll dust off our plans we had all lined up for the day we had to report to work -- spending the day at a Korean bathhouse!

Charlie Turned Three Years Old

Interview w/Charlie from Kate K. on Vimeo.

Our youngest child turned three years old a few months ago and I didn't even document the occasion. We had a nice birthday party for him in Manhattan Beach with friends and family, but instead of sharing photos from that day I thought I'd go ahead and post this video of me attempting to interview him (taken a few months before his birthday).

Someone recently started giving me the big talk about how you have to treasure these early years because they go by so quickly. But then right when I was starting to zone out from the conversation -- since it's one that I have so often! -- the person said something that stuck with me. She encouraged me to make sure and take videos when the kids are little so that we'll always be able to actually remember what they sounded like. I know this is not earth-shattering advice, but it was a good reminder since lately Tori and I have been absolutely terrible about taking photos and videos.

So I'm on a new kick not only to take more videos, but also to actually upload them off the iPad so that I won't permanently lose them.

One of the things I absolutely love about Charlie is the way he talks. Not only the way he sounds, but the funny stuff he says. I can't really capture much of that in a video (since he says all the funny stuff when I'm not filming), but I like this video because I think it captures his funny way of speaking.

5 Things to Remember About Mary Alice

So much has happened over the 4+ months since I last blogged. I won't try to capture all of it, but I do want to share that my dear grandma passed away. Despite growing up about 1500 miles away from her home in East Texas, I was very fortunate to have spent significant amounts of my childhood and adulthood with her and my granddaddy (thank you, parents, for making this a priority even when money was tight!).

My sister and I were going to give separate eulogies at her funeral back in July, but unfortunately the priest, said there was only time for one of us. Mine was a bit shorter than Kim's and had combined thoughts from other family members, so Kim graciously let me speak. Kim was going to share a version of this wonderful tribute she wrote to my grandma, which really captures our childhood time in East Texas.

I scratched out the eulogy on a notepad that's been sitting on the kitchen hutch and has since been scribbled over by the kids, so I figured I should write it down here so that I can keep it for posterity's sake (this is just an approximation since I just jotted down a few notes).

I started off the eulogy by explaining that family members had emailed my sister and I with some of their thoughts and memories of my grandma. I reflected on those and also my own experiences and felt really inadequate as a mother, wife, and member of society. When people die, it's pretty routine to lionize them and then carry on with our lives, but I really wanted to ponder what was so special about Grandma and use it to help me figure out how to better live my own life.

So I made a list. For myself and for everyone sitting in the church (and now for readers of this blog). I think Grandma would have appreciated a list!

5 Things to Remember About Mary Alice

#1: She had a grand sense of adventure.
--Most people wouldn't have thought it was particularly special to live near Rusk State Mental Hospital, but this location was a source of endless adventure for my grandma. When my aunt Kay worked there in high school, Grandma delighted in inviting residents over for lunch, including some who had criminal records. She also loved pretending to get lost in the East Texas woods just as she told us about an escaped resident that was last seen right in that vicinity. She enjoyed scaring the heck out of her kids and grandkids and could be very theatrical.
--When Grandma was 73 years old, she visited me in rural China. Talk about a foreign experience! But she stayed in my Peace Corps town, rode all the buses (some with chickens) and the trains, and gladly tried all kinds of new foods. She was a delight to host. Then she returned to her East Texas town and told everyone who would listen about what nice people those Chinese are! I imagine she got some funny looks.

#2: Grandma loved and appreciated everyone's story.
--Whether it was a resident at Rusk State Mental Hospital or someone she'd just met, she wanted to know and understand people's stories. And she always saw the best in people.
--In the history of the world, I'm not sure anyone has ever derived more pleasure from people-watching or eavesdropping than my grandma. I know that eavesdropping has kind of a negative connotation (and I'm sure she would object to me using that word), but Grandma was really just trying to understand people. In a restaurant, she was even known to shush her dining companion so that she could lean her chair back a little bit and hear a particular interesting tidbit from a stranger.
--Grandma visited me and my sister in San Francisco right before the start of the Iraq war in 2003 and we took her to a huge anti-war protest with about 100,000 people in the streets. Holy moly, did she love that. I'm not real sure what her stance on the war was, but she could appreciate an interesting spectacle more than most. The streets of San Francisco were filled with music, protesters, and crazy characters -- just a tad different than her average weekend in Texas. The trains were so crowded that my sister and I would yell out, "Excuse me, old lady coming through! Old lady coming through!" and just push our way in until we found her a seat. She thought that was hilarious.

#3: She was one of the hardest-working people you'll ever meet.
--My aunt Kay said in an email that my grandma "valued industry," which is quite an understatement! She was raised on a dairy farm in East Texas and begged her dad to let her milk the cows like her brothers. He soon relented, and then she was on the hook for all the hard work, not to mention waking up very early every single morning. But she didn't regret it -- her nickname was "Boots" because she was a tomboy who loved wearing boots and riding horses.
--Grandma raised six kids, kept an incredibly tidy home (some might say obsessively clean!), and never complained about a thing. I know that's the sort of thing you say after someone dies to make them seem like an angel, but I'm not exaggerating -- it's been verified by her kids! One of her kids' strongest memories was about how Grandma told them that there's always someone who has it worse than you do.
--Grandma had that Great Depression work ethic of "Waste not, want not." In junior high I fancied myself a big environmentalist and even had a Greenpeace sweatshirt about saving the whales. Then I remember watching her washing her used tinfoil and re-folding it so that she could use it again. I realized that, in so many ways, I could learn a lot about not being wasteful from this East Texas lady who didn't have much in common with those Greenpeace protesters.

#4: She took joy in the simple things.
--One of the things that kept surfacing in the emails I received from family is how good Grandma was at living in the moment. I used to be much better about this, but since I know have more responsibilities, I've noticed I'm not very good at this anymore. But that never stopped Grandma!
--Grandma loved listening to the radio, whether that was country music or a call-in radio show like Let's Talk (listening with her to all the oddball stuff that people tried to sell on the radio is one of my favorite memories). Grandma also loved a good burger more than anyone I know. She loved long drives on country roads. She loved Blue Bell ice cream (though she never really owned up to this one -- she'd always say she bought it for someone else!). And Grandma loved a good case of the giggles. I wonder when the last time was that I had tears streaming down my face because I had the giggles so bad...

#5: Grandma was a selfless woman.
--My aunt Kay shared a story about how she didn't have a dress to wear to a dance in high school and how Grandma stayed up late at night making her a beautiful dress that was nicer than all the other store-bought dresses the other girls wore. And how Grandma was so happy to give that gift.
--When a neighbor was suffering from an alcohol problem, Grandma took care of her newborn baby for six months while the woman recovered. This in addition to all the kids she had of her own. Can you imagine that kind of love and generosity?

So there you have it. Those are the five things I want to always remember about my grandma. Reflecting on just what made my grandma so special makes me feel closer to her. And makes me want to emulate her.

Hope you learned a thing or two from Mary Alice's life.

Missing Kooky Zadie

Zadie is having an action-packed summer. Her last day at pre-school was mid-June and she'll basically be gallivanting with grandparents until she returns home on August 13th. Right now she's in the middle of a three-week long vacation with Grandma Linda (more on that later, when Linda sends me photos from their adventures).

It's pretty weird not to have Zadie around. Besides some weekends and holidays, we won't be seeing much of her this summer. She's only five years old, but very independent.

So I thought I'd share a photo that captures what a funny little kook Zadie can be. Note the ribbon bow-tie, the makeshift belt, and the one pigtail up and one pigtail down.

We love you and miss you, Zadie Zoo! Your brothers keep asking about you. :)

Daily Newspaper Ritual (this time with Zadie)

I'm very devoted to the daily newspaper (Tori would say overly devoted!), so it made me very happy for Zadie to join in the fun a few weekends ago. She can only read basic words at this point, but she still likes to pick the words out. She's very curious about what she sees in the pictures, but unfortunately most of the topics are very complex and upsetting to try and explain to her.

Sometimes I feel scared about the fact that at least two of my three children are now at the point when they can pretty much remember everything from here on out. Like I really need to step up my game and be a lot nicer now that everything is on the record.

I try to think honestly and objectively about what my kids will remember about me during these early years. Though this isn't very flattering to share, I think the main things my kids will remember about me when they try to pull something out of their hazy memories will be newspapers, beer, a hot temper, and that I was the parent who hooked them up with treats. It's not that I drink a lot of beer, but a few nights per week I have a bottle of beer with dinner and the kids (and Tori!) like to make a really huge deal about that and Zadie even told her pre-school teacher that I love to drink beer (thanks for that, Zadie!).

I'd like to fix the part about having a hot temper, but I'm often torn between accepting myself as the parent that I am versus constantly trying to improve. I want to be better about my temper, but I don't want to be wracked with mom guilt and I also feel like it's okay if kids are on the receiving end of an angry parent every once in a while. Luckily, they have another mom who is much nicer (but not when it comes to treats!).

Superhero Brothers

Love the joy on their faces in this photo from a few months ago. And I can't believe Charlie was actually catching that much air. 

That's all. Just wanted to post this fun photo.

What Kind of Man Will Skip Be?

Skip cuddling with his new cowboy belt (with silver belt buckle!) from his Granddaddy Hal and Grandma Denise. The Wrangler jeans are from his moms.

Skips's new shark helmet from Grandma Linda. You can also see the planes he got from Aunt Susie.

Skip turned four last week and we had another Polaris birthday celebration. I've been thinking this past week about what kind of guy he'll become. It's impossible to predict, but here are some of the things I know about him so far:

• Big-hearted. Of all my kids, he's the most likely to share a toy or give a bite of his ice cream to another kid. He especially looks out for his little brother.
• Loves the pack. This is Linda's saying, but it's true that Skip is most happy running around with a bunch of other kids. He's extremely social. By the same token, he's the least interested in quiet time or independent play.
• Runs wide open and sideways. His energy level is significantly higher than the other kids and his favorite activities are tackling and wrestling. I think (and hope) he'll love team sports. 
• Call him Steady Skip. All kids have their ups and downs, but you can count on Skip to be as consistently happy as any child I know. He almost always has a big smile on his face.

Skip got his first report at pre-school the other day. The results weren't too shocking -- basically he got really high marks for all of the social categories (shows empathy, takes turns, etc.), but didn't do so hot in categories about his ABCs and numbers (more from a lack of interest than a lack of ability!). I'm perfectly happy with the results. His teacher wrote "Skip is very imaginative and friendly!"

He says he wants to be a firefighter when he grows up. He already thinks he's a cowboy. We'll see about that, but I do feel confident that he'll be a kind, loving, and a little bit bad-ass.

Off to the River We Go!

The 4th of July has always been one of my favorite holidays. As a kid, I associated it with hanging out on my grandparents' boat dock in East Texas and watching the fireworks late at night.

Now our family officially has a new tradition for the 4th of July. This is at least the sixth year in a row we've gone to Tori's Dad's house in Tulare County to celebrate the holiday. It's a de facto family reunion and an extravaganza with a zip line, enormous slip-and-slide, river floats, and kickball games.

I love the games and the physicality of the whole weekend. Tori's favorite part (in addition to being with family!) is having someone else cook for her for four whole days!

Annual photo op with Tori's family. Only Uncle Hank was missing this year!

Charlie's cousins DJ and Kisean palling around on the Polaris.

The famous slip-and-slide into the river!

What the Defense of Marriage Act Means to Me

I could go on and on about what the Supreme Court's decision to strike down the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) means to me and my family. I think the best way to explain its impact is to reflect back on 1996, when it was passed by Congress and signed by President Clinton.

I was in college and I was extremely stressed and worried about being gay. I had nightmares. I swore that I wouldn't "let" myself be gay, but I kept finding myself in situations that were, well, extremely gay. In the midst of all of this, the Defense of Marriage Act passed and my big take-home message from that was that being gay meant not being normal. It meant not getting married and not having a family. It made me even more determined to do whatever it took to not be gay.

Obviously I failed at not being gay. Now it's less than 20 years later and I'm happily (and legally!) married to a woman and we have three kids together. My family is loving and accepting.

People talk about what a tremendous turnaround there has been in public opinion towards same-sex marriage in the last several years and I can certainly attest to that on a very personal level. There have been many ups and downs in the fight for marriage equality just since 2008 alone, but the Defense of Marriage Act was always the biggie -- this is the most important milestone yet on both a practical (hooray, we get to file taxes together and Tori can go on my health insurance!) and a symbolic level.

We were interviewed on local television this week and my dad sent out the following message to 500 employees at his company. I am very lucky to have this man as my father.

Subject Line: Yesterday was a great day for my family

My daughter Kate "married" her partner Tori in October, 2005. Since marriage wasn't legal for same sex couples in California at the time, 200 family members and friends gathered in our backyard to celebrate the life commitment these beautiful women made to each other that day. It was a great celebration but something was missing - a marriage license. In 2008 they were legally married on the first day same sex marriage was legal in California. We were extremely happy that their marriage was now legally recognized. Next came two disappointments. First, even though they were legally married, Kate's employer, the federal government, couldn't provide spousal benefits to Tori because of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). When DOMA passed in 1996 I was an old fashioned guy who thought it was okay because same sex couples could get the same benefits as married couples through civil unions. Like many, my views have evolved. The second disappointment was when Prop 8 passed in California, making same sex marriage illegal in California. Yesterday both of those disappointments went away.   

Kate and Tori live in Agoura Hills, CA with their three children. A Los Angeles ABC news reporter interviewed Kate and Tori in their home yesterday. Since I'm a proud father, father-in-law, and grandfather, I decided to share the news clip with you. If you watch the video you will see my two grandsons, Skip and Charlie. Their 5 year old sister Zadie isn't in the video because she's spending the week at our house. You'll also see a picture of Kate and Tori's wedding in our backyard and of them when they were legally married in 2008. This link was very slow to open on my work computer but opened much quicker on my ipad.

I've never shared a personal story and video with a large group at work before but 1) it's historic and 2) I wanted to "show off" Kate, Tori, Skip, and Charlie and let you know I'm proud of them.

Hal

Here is the news story: http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=news/local/los_angeles&id=9153711

Joining the Tribe

Love this photo of the three girls with the race cars on her head!

A few months ago Zadie was the lucky recipient of an invitation to go camping with her two cousins and her Auntie Kim and Uncle Eric. I think there was about 100 kids and they're all part of this Y-Indian Princesses organization, so Zadie was the only oddball not in the group. From my sister's report, however, this didn't concern her one bit. She dove in 100% to all the group activities and was her normal obsessive, competitive self about bead collecting, bead trading, getting candy from the pinata, and racing the little cars pictured above. Kim could do a better job writing about all her little eccentricities, but I'm proud that Zadie fit right in to the Kiowa "tribe" and that she got to have such an amazing time with her family. She's much better than I was about getting along with her peers and adjusting to new environments!

Scavenging with Grandma Linda

She spent a whole month here and this is the best photo we have! Hanging out at Grandma Linda's favorite spot...

Linda came to visit for a whole month recently, thanks to the birth of my new nephew (welcome to the world, Wyatt!). We didn't get to see her much during the week since we live way out in the suburbs, but on the weekends we got to soak up our Grandma Linda time.

Zadie has a special relationship with both of her grandmas. She talks about why she loves both of them and her reasons are very different. When it comes to Grandma Linda, she loves bike rides, beach adventures, international travel, going to garage sales, and scavenging through people's trash together. Zadie and Linda both love the thrill of the hunt, and there are some good finds in well-to-do beach communities. They found some great beach chairs (with the tags on!), two nice kid bikes, balloons, fishing line, and so much more!

Zadie and Linda also share an interest in the divine. Once when they returned from a bike ride, Linda told me that Zadie had asked her all kinds of interesting questions about Jesus and what forgiveness means. We called Linda just now to find out what the specific questions were, but none of us can remember -- take our word for it that they were very interesting!

Linda is always saying how Zadie is so fun to talk with and to share adventures with and what a great travel partner she would make. Like I mentioned in my last post, it's always nice when people have wonderful things to say about your children because it makes you appreciate them so much more!

Friends Without Kids

Like a good park ranger, I dragged my friends out to our visitor center before they headed back to the city!

We had an overnight visit this past weekend from a bunch of grad school friends, none of whom have children (though one is due in less than a month!). In addition to the fact that these are good, quality people who I enjoy being with, I always notice how much I enjoy being around friends who don't have kids.

Friends without kids are typically much more interested and amused by your children than friends who have kids and are either too busy dealing with their own kids or are just so thrilled to have a break from dealing with little people that they can barely give your kids the time of day. I'm not judging because I do the same thing. But to friends without kids, our kids are so funny and interesting -- probably because they don't spend all day long with kids!!

Anyway, it's refreshing to be around people who find my children fun to be with. It's like seeing your kids through rose-colored glasses. It makes me enjoy them more and feel like they have unique, creative, and sweet little personalities.

Just look at this photo. See those three little goofballs and their funny personalities? I saw them more clearly this weekend because of the dear adults in this photo. A good visit that was good for my soul!

Skip Thinks He's Getting a Horse for His Birthday

Skip's first time on a horse. This was Sleepy.

Zadie with my dad's cousin Mark, who owns a working ranch and is a roper with excellent roping horses (that hopefully my kids' didn't screw up!)

I think I've mentioned before that Skip really think he's a cowboy. My dad outfits him with Wranglers, boots, and cowboy shirts and I have to admit he pulls it off pretty well. He's got the swagger and everything. Sadly for him, he lives in L.A. with parents who have zero equestrian ties and so he's about as far off from being a cowboy as he can get. I feel kind of worried about when that reality sets in.

He actually had his first experience "riding" a horse when my parents took the kids to the ranch recently (I think Zadie sat on a horse when she was younger for a bit). My dad's cousin Mark and his wife were kind enough to go through a great deal of hassle and hauled horses down from their ranch to meet up with Skip and Zadie and their cousins. And then they let all the kids take turns riding the horses in the corral.

Both Skip and Zadie absolutely loved this experience and it was the highlight of their whole trip. They came home talking about good ol' Walter and Sleepy, their two favorite horses.

Now Skip thinks he's getting a horse for his birthday. My dad thinks it's karma since I badgered my parents so much about buying me a horse. I was very persistent and truly couldn't understand how they could stand in the way of my life's calling. Not to mention my older brother had a horse named Lightning when I was very little (maybe someday I'll devote a blog post to all the really cool experiences my older brother got to have that I'm still very jealous of!). Anyway, I've been trying to explain to Skip that there's no way in the world that he's getting a horse for his birthday, so hopefully he won't be disappointed.

If so, I blame my father.

Skip and Zadie in South Texas

The kids love cruising around in my parents' electric golf cart. He even lets them drive!

Skip loves his Granddaddy Hal. This is the two of them at Max's Cafe in Tilden, Texas.

Wow, it's been a very long time since I've posted. I wanted to post some nice photos from Skip and Zadie's trip to the ranch with my parents, but getting those photos off my mom's camera (which is in San Diego) proved to be quite the challenge. So then I just got in a rut and stopped posting. But I'm just going to post some cell phone photos and hope this conveys some of the trip.

What a special experience for Skip and Zadie to be taken to the ranch with their grandparents. And with their cousins Sophie and Izzy, too!

My parents spent four days with them in Texas (and a few more before that in San Diego) and the kids had  a great time going on rides, playing with other family members, having water gun fights, and riding horses (more on that soon).

It makes me very happy that my kids get these very special opportunities to be with their grandparents and to be connected to this piece of land that's been in the family for so long.

Dear Old Friends

Just having a trendy micro-brew in Longmont, Colorado. No big deal.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I require a lot of adult time to keep myself happy and healthy. I follow the "secure your oxygen mask first and then assist your child" philosophy of parenting. They really do have a point with that.

I recently spent a great weekend with some dear old Peace Corps friends in Colorado. I've already written about my two closest friends from Peace Corps, so these folks need no introduction! My friend Erin was visiting from Kenya with her brand-new baby and so of course Jenna and I had to go visit during her limited engagement here in the U.S.A. 

I really love being with these two people. It just so happens that I loved my Peace Corps experience, but even if I hadn't loved it (which some people don't), it would still have been worth it just to get to know these wonderful, slightly crazy, individuals.

Granddaddy Hal's Influence

My dad imparting his fishing expertise to Zadie.

The fishing gang. Tori stayed home with Charlie while he napped.

I like how my dad takes his role as one of my kids' male role models very seriously. Last fall when they were babysitting our three kids for our anniversary, my dad wanted to play catch with Skip and was very disturbed that Skip is terrible at catching a ball. He asked my mom whether that was normal and apparently even Googled it. Something about my dad being driven to Google "normal age for boy to catch ball" just makes me die laughing. It's very sweet that he's so concerned about the matter. (Just for the record, Skip is really athletic but is so boisterous that he hasn't shown much interest in the focus required to actually catch a ball. But I'm determined that my kids will be well-prepared in the sports department and won't suffer from not having a dad to play catch with -- Tori and I both love sports!).

It was with these manly mentor intentions in mind that my dad really wanted to take our kids fishing at a little trout pond near our house that I had told him about. My dad was really intent on doing this fishing thing right and making sure my kids could catch a fish. Everyone around us was catching fish and for some reason we weren't having any luck, but my parents (especially my dad) were determined to catch one for the kids. You can see how serious my dad looks in the photo above.

My mom actually caught the first fish (she grew up in Alaska catching boatloads of fish!) and then finally my dad caught one. Everyone caught one except my poor nephew, who was quite frustrated. Skip and Zadie couldn't hook the fish, but they could bring them in once they were already on the line, which was triumph enough for them.

So mission accomplished. Those were some seriously expensive trout, but my dad got to give the kids a fishing lesson and I think the adults enjoyed it even more than the kids!

Birthdays After You've Had Children

This was the fancy Malibu dinner I refer towards the end of this very long post about birthdays.

I think it's typical for birthdays to generate more excitement when you're a kid than when you're an adult, but I've found it to be exactly the opposite. Since I was kind of socially awkward around other kids my age (my best friend was 55 years old), I felt really uncomfortable about birthdays.

My parents were probably relieved that my sister and I weren't big on parties and certainly didn't push the issue. Mostly I just had a special dinner with my family (ribs or fried chicken on the special red plate!) and oatmeal cookies for dessert.

I'd also ask to go horseback riding, so my dad would take me to a stable right on the Mexican border where you rode along the fence and could look right over at Tijuana. Looking back on it, it amazes me that  people actually paid for that experience, and I'm not sure I recall seeing any other customers. (I had to put the dig in about going horseback riding for one hour per year just to annoy my parents since they resisted all my pleadings to buy me a horse and I would probably have become a famous horse whisperer.)

I didn't really know how to execute a great birthday when I was younger. As I got older, I became judgmental of people who put too much energy in having a great birthday (and were crushed if it didn't turn out perfectly). But then I had children and now I cherish every single birthday and stretch it out for as long as possible (someday I'll have to do a post about all the things I was judgmental about before I having kids humbled me and brought me to my knees).

This year was no different. I had a very special birthday dinner with my parents and nephew in Malibu (seriously, Malibu?), a great day with 12 other friends squeezed around a circular table at a Sichuan restaurant, and a day off from work that I spent shopping with my mom.

Before kids, birthdays weren't important to me because my whole life was all about me anyway, so what was the difference? I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, approximately 365 days a year. I'm not saying people without kids are self-absorbed -- just that I was! I had so few responsibilities and was as free as a little bird (lots of people without kids have responsibilities I didn't have, like debt, family obligations, etc).

Now that I feel the weight of so many responsibilities -- like how I can't just quit my job and travel the world for six months like Tori and I once did -- a birthday is really special because it's an opportunity to be selfish, down to the very smallest detail like not doing the dishes and only doing the fun stuff with the kids and none of the yucky stuff (reading books instead of wiping kids' bottoms!).

I don't mean to imply that I'm a selfless martyr who spends my days scrubbing toilets and cooking meals for my three kids, but there's no getting away from the fact that I'm jointly responsible for the lives of three small human beings.

So I've definitely come around on the birthday issue. I say hooray for grown folks milking those birthdays for all their worth.

Just 355 days till the next one...

Tori Loves this Photo

A special guest post -- the first ever -- from Tori!

This picture shows a bit of our kids' personalities, which is why I love it. Zadie tries her hand at her own style (here represented by two different shoes) and Skip thinks he's a cowboy (check out those boots and leather chaps!). And Charlie's just Charlie. Pre-photo they were doing tricks off of these stacked chairs

Thanks for the photo, Tina, and we're so happy you and Raffi are back!

Zadie Turned Five

Zadie and her moms.  This was one of many great photos my sister took of our family.  The only problem with this one is that Zadie has chocolate in her teeth (we were bribing the kids to sit still for photos!).

Zadie turned five a few weeks ago.  Like last year, her number one birthday request was to have some special time alone with her moms, sans brothers.  We ended up taking her to a totally cheesy 1960s fun center at the Redondo Beach pier, which was a major time warp.  I wish I would have taken photos to document the place, but basically it's like a miniature version of Coney Island.  I think she was pretty pleased with it.  She doesn't care much for the video games, but she likes any of the games that shoot out tickets, like skeet ball and some other silly game where you throw balls into a hole to make your horse advance while a man with poor English skills tries to play the role of the horse race announcer.  We were good mothers and let her win all six times.  She also rode the Tilt-a-Wheel a few times.

Afterwards she celebrated her birthday with Tori's family at Aunt Susie's house and, while I was at the Grand Canyon, she got her true birthday wish.  My parents took her to Chuck E. Cheese's with Sophie and Izzy.  Like McDonald's and Disneyland, Chuck E. Cheese's was one of those places we'd hoped to avoid for as long as possible, but she went to a friend's party there a few months ago and now she's hooked.  So my parents granted her wish and she had a wonderful time.  Last night when I was tucking her in to bed, apropos of nothing, she told me that her dream in life was to live at Chuck E. Cheese's with all of her family. At least it's nice that she included us in her utopian vision.

I want to share a few things about this little Zadie Zoo on the occasion of her fifth birthday.  She amazes us with her creativity, brightness, and quirky sense of humor.  My favorite moments with her are the 10 minutes before she goes to bed every night, when either Tori or I gets in bed with her to read chapter books.  After I finish reading her a chapter, we hold onto each other and spend a few minutes having deep talks.  Like about how she wants to move her whole family to Chuck E. Cheese's.  Or about what she likes most about her life.  She's typically a total pleasure to be with when she's not with her brothers.  She needs some work on the subject of how to get along as one big family, but I know that's normal.  I know what a special kid she is.

Solo Trip to Grand Canyon

One of the things I most appreciate about my new career with the National Park Service is the opportunity for learning and development.  Though I loved working for the Peace Corps, training opportunities were pretty rare given the fact that the five-year rule caused so much turnover among staff.  Guess there's not much point in investing in the long-term development of your employees if they're cycled out so quickly.  

The National Park Service offers a five-part training series for new permanent employees.  Three of those portions are online, but the other two include a 10-day course at the Grand Canyon and a four-day course in Washington, D.C.  I was so thrilled when I learned about this because I'm the kind of person who loves training and big group experiences (I realized at training that not all people do!).  

Thanks to Tori and the help of my parents, I was able to be away from home for nearly two weeks.  The training was excellent and made me think a lot about long-term goals with the agency.  And of course, outside of the training, it was pretty amazing to spend time with 47 other adults.  Beautiful hikes, good conversations, and snowy adventures were had by all!

In preparation for my big solo trip, I downloaded books and podcasts and planned on doing voluminous amount of reading, writing, and learning.  I definitely learned a great deal related to my work, but I didn't read one page of my book and I didn't write one blog post.  So it was a bit of a fail in that respect, but mostly because I was busy socializing and enjoying my adult time in other ways.

Hopefully Tori will get a permanent job with the National Park Service at some point (she's on a term contract right now) and then I can repay the favor.

More Christmas Photos

I've been off to such a slow blogging start in 2013 that it just took me about six tries to remember my password!  I wanted to share a group photo from Christmas with Tori's family, especially because it's part of a long tradition of regular/silly juxtaposition photos.

Obviously I didn't get the memo that we were doing the silly photo this time.  Oh well.

This year we were missing Tori's brother Adam's family, and I'm not sure why Aunt Susie wasn't in the photo given that it was taken at her house!

Pretend You're Not There

I've written previously about how completely wrong I was about what parenting would be like.  But for the past two Saturdays, all my fantasies about the kids happily and creatively playing together (while I do something else and lovingly glance over at them) have actually come true!

Yes, there are occasionally tears and issues that need to be resolved.  And of course I have to perform some basic motherly duties such as feeding and wiping runny noses.  But it's also kind of like I'm not even there.  And that's a good thing.

They're coming up with their own imaginative play and even resolving disputes on their own.  While I was blissfully vacuuming and mopping (five years ago you couldn't have convinced me that cleaning a house could be such a Zen experience!), I saw the kids:

• make a rocket ship out of a flipped-over trash can and go into space
• pretend to be a mama bird who teaches her baby bird how to fly and eat (this lasted 15 minutes)
• pass out several golf balls (gathered from the nearby creek) to golfers who were passing by our backyard.  One guy gave them a dollar for four golf balls, though I made sure they weren't soliciting donations!
• climb a rather difficult tree in our backyard (though she did need help getting down)

So obviously I've been trying to figure out why things have been so awesome lately.  I think it's partly because these two Saturdays have been totally out of the ordinary in that we've actually spent the entire day at home.  That's very unheard of in our lives.  Last Saturday Tori had to work and so she gave me all kinds of suggestions about all the really amazing and enriching activities I could do with them, which I naturally ignored.  I just stayed home instead.

Today we stayed home all day, too, which was only really possible because Tori was suffering from cramps and spent a fair amount of the day in bed with a heating pad.  She typically has to be either working or debilitated in some way for us not to spend the weekend bouncing from activity to activity.

In addition to just staying home all day, the other factor in what I would call a minor parenting success (but just about the only one I've ever had!) is that I made a very conscious effort to pretend I wasn't there.  I've had some form of this strategy operating for quite some time -- I think Tori finds it kind of annoying, but I also think she's finding it harder to argue with its benefits.  I know it runs counter to the whole idea of how nowadays we're supposed to really engage with our kids and spend quality time with them.  Tori is really good at facilitating play, but then sometimes I feel like the down side of that is that the kids look to her for entertainment so much.  

Obviously everything should be done in moderation and I'm not suggesting people ignore their kids -- I still love laughing with them and reading to them and having big family dance parties at night in front of the sliding glass door.  But I do think there is something to getting out of their way and letting kids take charge of imaginative play and problem-solving.  

I always wish that I had more of those parenting-in-the-movies moments when you're just totally overcome with feelings of love and affection for your children -- I have them, but just not nearly as often as I would like.  Watching my three kids spend an entire day playing joyfully and imaginatively -- and never complaining about being bored -- is definitely one of those experiences.

So that's a new parenting tool I'm going to try out.  Pretend you're not there.

(Obviously this has a limited application and doesn't work when you have to get the kids dressed, feed them, bathe them, discipline them, etc.  But it also forces us to make sure we're actually providing enough opportunities to get out of their way and let them make their kid magic.)

The Rogers Come to Town

Unfortunately I don't have a photo of the whole gang together, but this was the thank-you photo the Rogers sent  in appreciation for my parents lending their RV for the visit.

We typically go to the Pacific Northwest when it's time to celebrate the holidays with Tori's family since the majority of her siblings now live there. There's a certain charm to spending the holidays in colder weather, but I wouldn't say that's the case when you have small children. Being cooped up in the house because of bad weather gets a bit overwhelming when you have little kids that need to get their wiggles out, but then trying to properly dress them for freezing weather is a drag (especially when it takes you 20 minutes to get the three kids dressed and they end up coming back in the house after 5 minutes!).

So this year we were pretty happy about the fact that Tori's family was going to be coming to L.A. for Christmas! If given the choice between a white Christmas and a sunny Christmas, I'll definitely take the sunny Christmas.

Tori is one of five siblings and, combined with their kids, that's a whole slew of folks. I admit I made lots of jokes to my co-workers about having a huge group of in-laws come visit for 16 days. People were quite impressed with that number! But it was a bit of an exaggeration because the 16 days ended up being spent all over Southern California and I think there were only three nights at our house (not that I mind having family!). And I opted out for the last leg of the trip (to their dad's house in the Central Valley) because I wanted to go see my parents and sister. The Central Valley portion of the trip featured 14 children five and under, though I admit that the Central Valley contingent of kids are perfectly behaved (unlike my own kids!).

All in all, it was a great visit. I love to see our kids enjoying their time with their cousins, especially when the older cousins are good about entertaining the young ones. And of course I enjoy spending time with the adults, especially my mother-in-law, who I wish we could spend more time with. The only challenge is when all the kids and the adults are heaped together into one big mass of humanity for long periods of time. That's when it's a good time for me to volunteer to go to the grocery store and have some quiet time!